Tough Wedding Questions Answered, and a Giveaway: Win a Copy of INVITED Before It's Released!

If you're reading this, you might be engaged and fielding questions from friends and family members wondering why Catholic marriage involves so many rules, and you're looking for a way to charitably clarify it all.

Or maybe you're one of the ones wondering.  Maybe you have questions yourself, and want to know more than just "the Church says so." So let's change the conversation today.  I think it's time to talk about the truths of the Catholic faith in a way that's not just about rules, but about freedom.

My homes Pope St. John Paul II said, "freedom is for love."  In light of your spouse-to-be, that means that putting him or her first, over and over, will in time become a habit and a choice you actually prefer to putting yourself first.  In light of the Father, it means teachings that seem like rules are actually directives intended solely to make us most whole, most fulfilled, and most alive, giving us the ability to choose what's best for the other and for our relationship with God.  What does that look like in the concrete aspects of wedding planning?  Here, three frequently asked Q's about marriage in the Church, and three answers.  Whether you're asking or answering, I hope these words are imbued not just with truth, but with love.

Why wait to live together or sleep together when you're already engaged?  I get that this is hard.  So hard.  When two people have promised to marry each other, it's tough to see why they shouldn't just go ahead and act like they're married.  But maybe we're asking the wrong question.  Consider, instead, what the point is of serious dating and engagement. At that point, both people in the relationship are committed to each other, whether through their communication or through an actual engagement ring, and if, during that time, you're preparing for the long term, it's important to know what virtues and good qualities your partner possesses, and how his or her virtues will help you become more virtuous.  Someone who opts to live together before marriage is essentially saying they are okay with living and sleeping with someone they aren't married to--a wedding ring won't automatically change that outlook.

Granted, the likelihood of unfaithfulness in that sense is a little extreme, and I know there are couples who live together and genuinely have each others' best good at heart.  Ultimately, though, the fact that your partner wants the fun and romance of married life but not the true commitment of having spoken marriage vows conveys a lack of self-discipline and patience--would most people want to be married to someone who could control their desires and say no, or someone who couldn't?  Choosing to wait until after the wedding to live together is a way to grow in that discipline and self-control.  So, the point of a committed relationship isn't to see how much one can get from the other, but how much one can give, by loving selflessly.

Why can't you use secular music for the ceremony?  My old roommate once came home from a night of going out of curiosity to a country line dance, and she was so alight with the novelty of it all that I asked her to teach me some of the dances.  For the next half hour, we seriously galloped around our apartment while the Dixie Chicks accompanied us via iPod.  Loudly.  Moments like that, of complete abandon and exuberance, lift you to the heights.  "Abandon" and "exuberance" can also describe the experience of getting married--of freely, entirely surrendering your will because you know the joy that's in store.  But, it would be weird to have a country line dance song, let alone the galloping, playing at your wedding Mass, even if the end emotion were the same.  Obviously, most couples would prefer to have something more romantic than that playing when, say, the bride walks up the aisle.  But it's the same underlying principle: music needs to fit the context of the setting it's played in.  So, if your wedding ceremony is set in the Church, the music needs to fit the purpose of worship.

Why can't you write your own vows?  CCD throwback, anyone?  Every sacrament of the church has a specific rite that must be followed in order for the sacrament to be valid--if a priest doesn't follow the prescribed language of consecration, for instance, the Eucharist for that Mass is invalid.  Getting married is the same--in order for the sacrament to take place; that is, for the couple's bond to literally be transformed and suffused with grace, the bride and groom need to speak the language of the Rite of Marriage.  It's more than just input these words, get out this result--it's allowing yourselves and your love to take on something entirely, sacramentally new and humbly inviting God into your life together, knowing it takes three, not two, to live out your promises.

And now, in a totally not transparent transition, I'll say that my book, INVITED, addresses more on each of these questions, along with other hard teachings like chastity, birth control, and divorce, in an in-depth way that I truly hope communicates the wellspring of joy and true freedom to be found in a sacramental marriage, and in a way that feels like having coffee with a friend.  But it's not all theological talk.  There's worksheets to help you get organized, set a budget, and make sure all of your spiritual and practical wedding preparations get taken care of.  There's what I hope are endearingly embarrassing, rather than just outright embarrassing, stories of some of Andrew's and my arguments and missteps during our engagement and first months as newlyweds, and what we learned from them.  There's honest talk about choosing a dress, shutting up your inner temptation to compare yourself, sex and what it's meant for, and (spoiler) even a Rick Roll.  Come on.  I had to save the best thing for last.

Want a copy?  The book's official release is April 1, but I'm unbelievably excited to share 3 copies ahead of time (and it's okay if you're not engaged)!  Enter below, and head to Instagram for extra entries.  Giveaway ends this Sunday, the 20th, at 11:59 P.M.

And can I be completely honest with you?  As happy as I am to see my book about to be released and as exhilarating as it is to think of the ways it might resonate, I'm also SO nervous for these words I've been putting together for the past three years finally making their way into print for anyone to read. Marketing and self-promotion are no joke, and my constant prayer over the past few weeks is just that I might decrease and let the book, and what I hope is its evident passion for helping couples understand authentic, life-giving love, speak for itself and take center stage instead of me.  So please join me in asking the Holy Spirit to guide this project into the hearts of whatever brides--stressed out, returning to the Church, looking to elevate their romance to the divine--and marriage prep programs most need it.  And please pray that the Spirit might lead my own heart to the right balance of promotion and humility, which I don't take to mean silence, but a full awareness that it's not about me.  Much love, friends.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Advent & Christmas Roundup: Presents, Presence, Music, and Lying in Wait

Happy Advent!  Though we're still in this first week of anticipation for Christ's birth, I can't help wondering this year what life must have been like for Mary right after Jesus was born.  I mean, their family basically invented Christmas, so I don't expect she experienced the holiday FOMO I get touches of now and then as we navigate life with a newborn Lily, but the feeling of being united to Our Lady in motherhood, in all its good and exhaustion, has been on my heart a lot.

In the spirit of this sacred time, I present to you my collection of Advent and Christmas posts past with the hope that these pieces inspire your relationship traditions, gift-giving, and help settle the restlessness that engagement and marriage prep can bring:

How chastity and waiting for marriage is kind of like waiting for Christmas

2013 Gift Guide for guys, girls, couples, and hostesses

A Christmas and winter playlist worthy of listening for Bebo Norman alone

6 gorgeously wintry alternatives to fresh flowers for your bouquet

DIY salt dough ornaments and other decorations from our inferiorly lit first apartment

More Bebo and a classic suggestion for reception cocktail music at a holiday wedding

5 ways to seek holy silence during this time when our salvation grew in the silence of Mary's womb

2012 Gift Guide: classics for the men in your life

Also:

Andrew's Christmas cookie specialty, to which we add a 1/2 teaspoon of mint extract

A sweet (as in killer, not as in saccharine) monstrance-style tree topper you can make yourself

Cozy inspiration for a Christmas card photo or cold-weather engagement sesh

Pope Benedict's beautiful-yet-challenging 2012 Christmas Eve homily, intended, I think, to make us uncomfortable for the better

I'll let you take it from here: I love hearing about other couples' family and religious Christmas traditions, about obscure new covers of old favorite hymns, and about what gifts are at the top of your wish list!  Share away!

Surviving a Long-Distance Engagement, Catholic-Style

Andrew proposed to me beneath a statue of Our Lady on our college campus, the summer after I graduated and right as we were preparing to spend a year apart, me for mission work and him for grad school 5 hours away.  We set our wedding date for 13 months later.

Given the choice, both of us would've preferred a shorter engagement.  Yet given the responsibilities entrusted to each of us over the upcoming year, it would have been both impractical and imprudent to get married any sooner.  Off we went in opposite directions, seeing each other roughly halfway between at one of our families' houses every two or three weeks.  And oh hell was it a marathon.  When I think back on that year, the hardest aspects were the mounting panic that our wedding was fast approaching and we had little time to plan, the heightened temptations against chastity that came with not seeing each other often, balancing time alone with family time (since they were hosting us and also happy to have us around), and struggling against impatience. If you're currently engaged long-distance and have similarly experienced at least one of these, and if you'll allow me some unsolicited advice, here's what my own heart could've used some reassurance on at the time:

Don't fall into believing the two of you are all alone.  Sounds obvious, yet I bought into this lie over and over, the one that made me think if I didn't control every part of wedding plans and cultivating our relationship across the miles, everything would be doomed.  But it wasn't just on us to take care of all that.  So often, I forgot to invite the Father in and to turn to prayer for even the smallest matters.   Since we'd started dating, Andrew and I had just sort of naturally created our own litany to a handful of saints, and both of us had fallen hard, in particular, for JPII's spirituality rooted in human love.  At some point, Andrew reminded me of the grace and power that reside in saintly intercession, and though I, in my inadvertent pride, took a while to develop the habit of calling on their prayers, there truly was peace to be found there.  If you haven't already, choose a few patrons for your engagement and pray to them often.

Don't expect perfection, but don't stop pursuing it.  Chastity, yo.  It's such a battle--both before marriage, when it asks abstinence of us (though I don't personally consider chastity and abstinence the same thing), and continues to be tough after marriage, as spouses are constantly called to die to self, to live out their sexuality through self-gift in its infinite forms, and to strive for virtue and self-discipline.  But let's talk about the before marriage part.   No matter where the two of you are living relative to each other, it can be seriously hard to discipline the good and beautiful desire to physically express your love, so much so that for me, I sometimes questioned (and hated that I was even asking myself) whether love or lust was the motivation.  Add infrequent time together into the mix, thanks to long-distance dating, and things get even harder.

But listen.  While I fully view sexual sin as serious business, I also view it as so incredibly human.  We are created, body and soul, with a longing for the infinite, an ache whose earthly fulfillment is fulfilled, at least in part, through a properly integrated expression of our sexuality.  For those called to marriage, that expression is physical, so of course those desires are right at the surface during engagement.  While it's true that God is just, it's also true that he is so, so merciful and wants so deeply for us to run to his mercy and to come back to him every time we fall.  Be gentle with yourselves, don't give up the fight (I'm no theologian, but in my opinion there is more culpability in giving in to temptation because you've decided chastity's not worth it than in continuing to seek holiness even amidst occasions of giving in), and go to confession as often as you need to.  Speaking of which…

Seek out spiritual time together, especially time away from wedding planning.  Practically speaking, it was sometimes necessary for Andrew and I to condense into a single weekend some of the wedding planning that we might've had more time for had we been able to see each other more often (you can read about our semi-disastrous registry experience here…).  But, making it a priority to go to confession and Mass when we were together, and to pray with each other in the car and before heading off to bed, impacted our peace for the better, in ways I probably didn't even recognize.  When your time is limited, it's tempting to try and fill every second with managing your to-do list, yet we quickly noticed how much more relaxed and content we felt when we made a conscious effort at leisure and quality time.  Carving out time for prayer and for just sitting down to read or get coffee had the ironic effect of making us feel like there was actually more time than we perceived to get everything wedding-related taken care of, and had two added benefits for our situation.  First, making a point to relax gave us time with just each other, which was sometimes hard to come by when we were visiting each other in our parents' homes and were usually surrounded by other people who were happy we were there (that setup was really good for chastity accountability, but not as good for quality conversation between the two of us).  Second, it gave us an opportunity to trust each other and follow through on our word in a specific way; because it simply wasn't possible, or even necessary, to do every bit of wedding stuff together, we had no option but to delegate tasks to each other and do them on our own, a habit that came in handy after we got married, too.

Don't just make this time about surviving.  For me, at least, there were so many occasions when I wanted to fast forward through our engagement and just get to the altar already.  Normal as it might have been (someone tell me I was normal?), it would've been unhealthy if my entire life was defined by the fact that I was engaged or if I didn't take pleasure in anything outside of my relationship with my fiancé.  I needed to remind myself I was doing work I loved and sincerely enjoying my life's other pursuits.  Time is sacred, for the simple yet profound fact that God freely chose to enter into it, a man among us.  Use it well.  Frankly, counting down to the start of my vocation flat out sucked sometimes,  yet I also clearly remember a sense of sweetness in the waiting and an urge to not make it wasted time, not in my friendships, my work, my spiritual life, and my overall sense of presence.

Last week Andrew had two back to back loooong workdays of student-teacher conferences where he didn't arrive home until I was almost ready for bed, yet by the time he walked in the door, I was so happy to finally talk to my husband that we were up for another few hours.  Even though he'd basically spent the past twelve hours talking, we spent the time asking question after question about each others' days, and I did my usual I'm-so-glad-Aaron's-in-bed-but-let's-talk-about-all-the-funny-things-he-did-and-look-at-pictures-of-him thing.

At one point, Andrew asked me if our conversation, one we'd unconsciously been saving up all day for, reminded me of our engagement.  It did!  Four years ago, when most of our daytime hours were occupied and we weren't seeing each other at the end of the workday, we didn't usually talk until after dinner in the evening and did a pretty similar blow-by-blow of our days, mixed in with all the thoughts and debates the day had sparked.  I love that I get to talk to this man forever.

What about you?  Is your engagement long-distance?  What are the biggest struggles you've faced, and the best ways you've found to deal with them?  I always, always enjoy hearing your stories!

This Is My Body: Dealing With Wedding Night Nerves

Sometimes I think I really must be a lunatic.  I just like talking to people about sex.  Well, about chastity, NFP, and the Theology of the Body, specifically, so hopefully not so crazy?  Anyway, week after week, the most-read posts on this blog are the ones I featured two years ago on preparing for your wedding night when you are virgins, when you aren't, and when one of you has a sexual past and the other doesn't.  If you missed them, you can catch them here:

Be Not Afraid: The Sex Post

Be Not Afraid: The Sex Post, Part 2

Guest Post from Trista: Sex is Replacable; Love Is Not

Or maybe you're coming to this from a different place. In the time since these posts were published, I've gotten emails every few months from brides-to-be expressing the nervousness they're feeling as their wedding nights draw closer.  Thanks to what I attribute entirely to grace and well-timed formation, neither Andrew nor I were anxious about our wedding night, but I completely get that there's so much anticipation, conventional expectations, and a lifetime of experiences personal to just you, all packed into one night--it can understandably add up to major nerves.  So here, humbly and imperfectly (and hopefully not too awkwardly…), speaking only from my experience and the candid thoughts I've shared back and forth with other brides, are my thoughts on what seem to be common wedding-night concerns, and how to approach them with love and a spirit of openness.

If you're nervous about physical pain:
Again, I can only speak for myself here.  In my experience, our first few times were uncomfortable.  Yet with complete honesty, I can say the pain was coupled with a very true, pure sense of joy at finally being able to unite myself fully to Andrew and express our love in all the ways we'd been longing for our whole engagement.

The Cross is sometimes described as the agony and the ecstasy, and I meditated on that sometimes during those first few months.  To unite yourself to Christ is to accept suffering, but to unite yourself to him is also to trust in the promise of fulfillment, in every longing of our hearts.  Just so we're clear, I wasn't thinking about these things while everything was going on!  They were, however, constantly in my heart and my prayer life as we adjusted to being newlyweds.  And on the technical side, using a lubricant as often as you need can help ease discomfort you might feel, and so can taking your time with one another before actual intercourse to relax your body.

If you're nervous about the different intimacy you're about to share:
Just like it takes time in a relationship to build communication and honesty in your emotional and spiritual lives, so it is with your physical relationship.  Don't be frustrated if your sexual relationship takes a while, well into your first year of marriage, even, to feel more effortless and free.  If you are truthful and loving, I promise it will happen.

Meantime, it's not bad or wrong to feel like sex is a major step--it'd probably be weirder to view it as insignificant, no?  There's no rule saying you have to have sex the second you walk out of your reception and shut the doors.  Being so close as husband and wife will be completely new, and it's okay if you'd prefer to wait a night or two.  So long as other intimate acts aren't used as a means to an end, it can be really beautiful to just take your time getting to know each other, fully revealed.

If you're nervous about how to communicate in a new way and put your sexuality into words:
I dated someone who genuinely struggled with articulating his emotions and being honest about his feelings towards our relationship, towards how I and other people treated him, and towards his own strengths and weaknesses, to the point that he would often be vague and evasive, partially out of not really knowing how to verbalize his thoughts, only to let out a flood of unfiltered, uncontrolled anger every few weeks.  When Andrew and I first became friends, I remember being so struck by his humble sincerity; he thought (and still thinks) carefully before speaking, yet what he said communicated so clearly what he was really thinking that there seemed to be no division between what he was saying and who he actually was.  I could just see him so clearly, and I feel like I came to know him so truthfully.

I say this because many sex therapists, religious and otherwise, hold the belief that a couple's sex life is a sort of microcosm of the other parts of their life together--that is, if they're generous in their physical relationship, they're likely to express generosity in other, non-sexual ways, and if they withhold things from each other in the bedroom, it can indicate other behaviors in their relationship that point to selfishness or to bottling up conflict.  My husband's directness and honesty are two of my favorite qualities of his, and he's drawn out similar habits in me that had never been tapped by anyone else before.

They've served us well in every part of our relationship, but in our intimacy, as well.  I truly feel like the best remedy for nerves about communication is simply to be honest from the get-go about what you both like and dislike, what's uncomfortable, and what you are open to.  At first, I felt shy bringing up stuff like that because we'd never had an opportunity to talk about it before, but it has helped our marriage so much, not just in the sexual category, to be completely open and to talk about things with love and charity.  Bringing everything onto the table, in a prudent way, eliminates so many possible misunderstandings or feelings that stay hidden because they are never addressed.

If you're nervous about making the night special when you're abstaining for NFP reasons:
We prayerfully made the decision to postpone pregnancy in the beginning of our marriage because Andrew was in grad school and I was unemployed.  Our wedding fell right in the fertile middle of my cycle.  The thought you're having, that abstaining might take away from your wedding night, is totally understandable, and it definitely went through my head a few times.  Every couple is different, of course, but being on the other side of it now, I can honestly and so joyfully say that not being able to have sex right away wasn't disappointing at all and didn't take away one thing from our wedding night.

On that first night, there is so much that is brand new and special--being completely alone, seeing each other for the first time, and learning how to be intimate in a new way.  You're so free.  That said, in our case we weren't thinking at all about what we didn't get to have, but what we did.  I think, too, that for us, going from mostly just kissing before marriage all the way to sex on the night of our marriage would've been a huge leap, and I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to just enjoy one another slowly at first.  That's not to say it wouldn't have been nice to have the chance if we hadn't been abstaining; it's just that nothing felt missing, and things were wonderful as they were.

If you're anxious about being disappointed or the night not being special just for the reason that you'll be abstaining, I'd encourage you to pray about not seeing sex as a finish line.  Try, instead, to see every act of intimacy as something beautiful in and of itself, not just a step on the path to something else.  I know that for me, I was concerned about the morality of certain acts if they weren't going to result in going the whole nine.  A faithful married friend advised me, at the time, to view each of these other things as an act of love that isn't striving for anything more beyond the present moment.  When they are approached with love for the other and a sense of purity, she reminded me, there is nothing wrong about them, and they aren't acting as some sort of false start or way of arousing the other person without fulfillment; they can be completely fulfilling and beautiful on their own when there's no grasping for more.

On your wedding day, you stand before God and man and vow that the good of another person is more valuable, more important to you than the good of yourself.  On your wedding night, acting with love when you've chosen to abstain is a heroic sacrifice and an immediate, tangible way of living out your vows: putting aside your wants for the good of the other and, in this case, for the good of your new marriage.

Alright.  Thoughts, friends?  Andrew and I once gave a talk to engaged couples that we high-fived over afterwards, only to read the surveys and find the general sentiment was "don't talk so much about sex." Oh the humbling; how I need it.  But if this post has helped you, I'd love to know, and my prayer is that it bear much fruit and living water in your marriage.  Feel free to toss in your two cents of advice, and if  you feel like chatting, email me anytime at stephanie.captivetheheart@gmail.com.  I love hearing from you!

Repost: Underneath Your Clothes

Please tell me I'm not the only blogger who obsessively checks page views and comments on the day a new post goes up.  Please.  In the past month since I began my attempt to bring this thing back from the dead, I've been staring down the search terms and traffic sources that led people to these pages, and was surprised--not in a bad way!--to see a significant number of search terms for "Catholic lingerie" and "Can Catholics wear lingerie?"  My opinion is here in this post from 2 years ago, and I'd love to reignite the discussion.  Thoughts?

Remember my honeymoon essentials post ?  It featured a pretty lace bra and underwear set, and as I collected images for the post, I came across plenty of other pieces worth sharing.  Behold, here, the products of my internet wanderings.

1 and 4, Rikshaw Designs.  2, 5, 12, & 13, Anthropologie.  3, J. Crew.  6, 7, & 9, Topshop.  8, 10, & 11, Aerie.

To be honest, I wasn't really interested in lingerie before I got married.  I'd heard of lingerie-specific parties for the bride that sounded impossibly awkward, and asked my bridesmaids to just politely let shower guests know that I wouldn't prefer to receive any. Mostly I just wanted to avoid being embarrassed, but I think I also had this idea in my head that I'd be buying into the culture, and its seeming insistence that women look and act like Victoria's Secret models, if I set foot anywhere near something lacy.

In the past few years, though, my attitude has actually changed.  I realized I was failing to separate the culture's idea of beauty in the bedroom from that same beauty as it really is and should be.  It wasn't what a woman wore that was the problem; it was the messages of objectification and naughtiness that I'd been encouraged to believe about it, and I realized that with purity there can be freedom from so many of those lies.  Plus, I discovered there are plenty of classy, pretty choices available, a far cry from the costumey nightmares some brides receive.  Back in December, I wrote about beauty and sensuality in a way I don't think I can reword better, so here it is again, a little summing up of my attitude towards the way a woman can (and in my opinion, should) present herself to her husband with love:

When I was younger, I remember being so surprised by the Song of Songs' overt sensuality, as well as by the idea that lines like "Your hair is like a flock of goats!" were considered turn-ons.  Now, though, having been graced with a deeper, much more integrated view of sexuality, I see nothing but purity in these lovers' passion.  As human persons, we are more special than we could ever fathom: no other being on earth is made in God's image and likeness, as a body and soul.  And as women, we're the crown of creation.  Our bodies express who we are and express the love between man and wife in such a visible way, so what I've come to realize is that sensuality, in the literal context of having to do with the senses, is such a beautiful thing.  Sensuality, eroticism, and sex itself...these goods have been so twisted by the world, but when they're untwisted and placed squarely back where they belong, in light of nuptial love, they're nothing but good, pure, and holy.

You totally wanted to read about my undies today, I'm sure.  The reason I brought this up is that I think there's a possibility, particularly in Catholic circles, to turn lingerie into a moral issue, probably because of the negative messages out there that had me confused for a while.  I'd humbly argue that it's not an issue of morality, but of preference, love, and femininity.  I think adorning your body can be a beautiful (though certainly not necessary, if it's not your thing) invitation to be gazed upon with love, not just in the physical sense, but in the sense of truly being seen.

What do you think?  I realize, like I said, there's some debate about this,  though perhaps largely as a result of misunderstanding, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Guest Posting for Arleen Spenceley

I'm over on Arleen Spenceley's blog today, humbly offering a little crash course in chastity apologetics. Here's a sneak peek; follow the link to read the rest:

Actually putting reasons for chastity into words, I found, can be a huge source of encouragement when it seems like there’s no one out there like you and you’re wondering whether to just give up on the whole thing.  As a speaker, I like to think I avoided the whole Mean Girls don’t-have-sex-or-you’ll-get-pregnant-and-die approach, and though I wasn’t perfect at it, I also like to think I came to a few conclusions about a better approach, one that appeals not just to religion or morals, but to the heart.

 Click here for more, and be sure to spend some time browsing the rest of Arleen's fabulous blog and to throw up some prayers for her as she finishes working on her first book!

Not Alone Series: Can a Woman Pursue a Man?

If you haven't come across it yet, Jen from Jumping In Puddles and Morgan from Follow and Believe host a fantastic weekly linkup for all the single ladies, with a new topic for discussion each week.  Today, what's on the table for their Not Alone Series is the question of whether it's possible for a woman to pursue a man.  I've never participated in the series until today, but this question is one that I've changed my opinion a lot on in the last few years, and I was so glad for the opportunity to put it into words.  Click here for more bloggers' takes on this!

My short answer to this question is yes: I absolutely think it's possible for a woman to pursue a man, in a real, genuine way that neither defies who we are in our femininity nor buys into what the culture has to offer.

Until I was in my 20s, my dating experience was limited, to say the least.  I was big-time shy in high school.  That's not to say I didn't ache for a loving relationship; I definitely did.  During my conversion in college, that desire deepened more and more in my heart as I learned about pure, authentic love and began praying for my future husband.  I loved being surrounded by a community of friends who were growing in faith at the same time I was and meeting other young women who took relationships seriously and weren't afraid to want both a family and a fulfilling life outside the home.

But there was something else among young Catholics, sometimes in books (I had a lot of issues with Captivating, but that's a post for another time) and sometimes in conversations I had, that I started to notice.  They had a lot of opinions, bordering on rules, it sometimes seemed, about dating and relationships:  Guard your heart.  Guard his heart.  Don't be too forward with guys, because it's not feminine.  He should always be the one to initiate texts, dates, and hanging out.  Be a little hard to get, because men like having something to fight for.

Whoa.  These ideas represent just one school of thought when it comes to dating, one I know isn't universal, nor entirely wrong, but at the time, it was pretty confusing for me.  If men and women are created to inspire each other's inherent masculinity and femininity, I wondered, was it really necessary to analyze things so much and to practically strategize my dating life just so I could follow the Catholic playbook?

The conclusion I think I've come to is no; all of that's not necessary.  I wrote a few weeks ago about a thought I often have, that the more intimately you come to know the Lord through prayer and worship, the more deeply you come to know yourself.  As I grew in faith, I discovered, I grew in honesty.  Not without difficulty and a few servings of humble-flavored pie, I slowly, slowly became (and am still becoming) more honest with myself about my shortcomings in virtue, more open with my friends about my struggles, and much more able to see a negative relationship I was in with truthful, critical eyes.  I think, then, that honesty plays a huge role in creating clarity when it comes to dating.

John Paul II's Theology Of the Body goes back to the Garden, where the Father created man and woman from love and for love.  Man and woman He created them, to each answer the deepest desire of the other's heart and to be loved in the fullness of their dignity and worth.  Men and women complement each other, and it's written right into our bodies that men are active initiators of the gift of self, and women are active receivers.

So, do I think men and women each have something distinctive to offer in a relationship and that our sexual difference fosters different roles in giving and receiving?  Of course (I think about this in particular as we prepare to become parents next month!), and far be it from me to disagree with a Pope, but in my opinion, there has to be a meeting somewhere between theology and our daily lives.  Focusing too much on distinctions and roles, in my observation, can sometimes inhibit the natural growth of a friendship between a man and a woman, as well as the path to romance.  There can be all this head knowledge, but it doesn't always translate to movements of the heart.  If a woman insists, for instance, that she should only receive, rather than give or initiate, any romantic gestures from a man who's interested in her, I've noticed that it tends to squash any potential relationship more often than it helps it along, because there's a lack of complete honesty and reciprocation.

Boldness can be good, and even holy, I think.  If he's interested and you like him, say so!  Being honest with yourself and potential dates about your feelings, instead of keeping a man guessing for the sake of maintaining his interest or hiding your inclinations out of fear or convention, just seems to make things so much simpler and clearer for both people involved.  As women, I think pursuing men involves directness and a willingness to make our feelings and intentions clear, and to return his gestures, like phone calls and time spent together, rather than leaving it all up to him.

The first time Andrew asked me on a date, I had just ended my first serious relationship a few weeks before and knew I wasn't ready yet, even though I really liked him.  So I told him so.  After spending several more weeks in prayer and discernment, I felt like the time was right, but I knew that the ball was in my court.  He, after all, was waiting patiently and so sweetly for me, and if I didn't say anything to this boy I knew was special, how would things ever get rolling?  I saw him and asked him to ask me out again.  "Okay, soon then," he said.  Not ten minutes later, he asked and we made plans for our first date.

Before Andrew, I think I'd still held onto some conventions about Christian dating, about how the guy should always do this, the girl should always do that, and all that jazz.  I was amazed to find that as our relationship grew, I thought about those conventions less and less, and it was so good.  Instead of blurring the lines of what manhood and womanhood required in dating, I feel like both of our identities became so much clearer.  We revealed more and more of who we are, not just to each other, but to ourselves, because of the easy honesty between us.  I realized that it's not who does what so much as the fact that equality in dignity and in love is the most essential part of a relationship.  Andrew was, and still is, such a gentleman, but suddenly it didn't seem to matter much if I treated him or drove us to our destination now and then.  Serving each other and giving gifts were acts of love, not declarations of masculinity or femininity and who wore the pants.

Being on the other side of marriage now, I guess some aspect of pursuing each other is over, but I've learned that it really is so important to still initiate love and pursue Andrew as a woman, in everything from our physical relationship to how we get chores done.  For us, I think having strictly defined notions of what a husband does and what a wife does would put more pressure on being a certain way for the other and wouldn't let our natural skills, inclinations (I enjoy cooking more than my husband does, for example, while he never minds doing the laundry), and affections flourish.

Thoughts, ladies?  I get that everyone sees dating a little differently, and that can be so good.  I'm taking the rest of this week off from blogging, but meantime, I'd love to know where you stand on this!

A Case Against Abstinence

This post originally appeared on Ignitum Today.  It got lost in cyberspace when the site temporarily went down a few months ago, but it did spark a fair amount of debate--one woman accused me of implying that abstaining from sex isn't necessary outside of marriage if you've found your future spouse (definitely not my intention), and I was asked, "You call yourself a Catholic?"  I never intended to stir up controversy for its own sake, or to play the victim; I only hoped to clarify what, in my eyes, can be a gray area of words that are used synonymously when I think that there's actually a big difference.  But, I would be curious (and humbled, most likely) to hear your thoughts!  What do you think?  Is there a distinction between abstinence and chastity? How would you define them?

I don't really like abstinence.  Wait.  What?  I resist the kind of trips where you go to Target for two things and come out with ten.  I try not to eat meat on Fridays.  My husband and I teach NFP.

 In some cases, though, particularly the case of sexuality, abstinence seems to miss the point.  Abstinence says no.  It emphasizes what you're giving up.  Often, it feels like a rule.

But chastity?  Chastity, I'd argue, shouldn't be interchangeable with abstinence; in fact, it can be the opposite of abstinence in radical ways.  Arleen Spenceley says, it's "a decision to die to self and to selflessly love (or to die trying)...Chastity never ends (that is, a person can be chaste simultaneously as he or she is abstinent, married or celibate).”  

And it's not a rule.  Focusing on abstinence, I've noticed, can lead to resentment or a sort of white-knuckle attitude where one feels like he or she just needs to hold on until marriage, when all of the impulses that have been held back can finally be unleashed.  This kind of thinking can raise the stakes, and perhaps overemphasize pleasure, to the point where one mistake leads to despair, self-loathing, or a feeling of being permanently broken.  But chastity, I think, acknowledges that we're already broken in our humanness, offering instead the hope that it's never to late to start over, and that the right kind of love can heal and restore us, giving us a glimpse, even, of the divine.  Chastity sees rules, then, not as a burden, but as a path to true freedom, with the goal being a body, soul, and mind so integrated that the rules aren't necessary anymore.   St. Paul knows it; he writes, "For the flesh has desires against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you may not do what you want.  But if you are guided by the Spirit, you are not under the law" (Galatians 5:17-18).


It says yes.  Chastity says yes to authentic love, yes to your future or current spouse, yes to purity in your thoughts, words, and actions.  It's not about what you can't do, but what you can: How can you express love to another person in the fullest, most respectful, and unselfish way?  The answer depends on your state in life, but no matter what, chastity encourages sacrifice, creativity (which could mean anything from a Say Anything-style serenade to a single person to the actual creation of a new life to a husband and wife), and reverence for another, simply because he or she is.  

So, do I think abstinence is all bad?  Of course not.  Self-denial can foster deep holiness, but I think it's only in light of chastity that self-denial takes on a deeper meaning.  It means freedom and faithfulness; it withholds nothing and bears great fruit in every vocation.  It means an invitation to love.  I can definitely get on board with that.

Guest Posting for Arleen Spenceley

In case you don't get enough of my embarrassing moments from this blog, you can read one of them, a lesson in emotional chastity, today on my friend and fellow blogger Arleen Spenceley's site.  She has plenty of amazing, wise things to say about love, dating, and chastity, so be sure to check out all the other good stuff while you're there!

A preview:

I blame the pig roast.

When I was 19, a friend invited me to his family's annual Labor Day party. I came with two friends and a baguette. I left with a huge crush.

Click here to read the rest!  Happy Sunday!