A Collection of Novenas and Prayers for Engagement and Marriage

Like, I expect, pretty much every other Catholic our age, Andrew and I have spent a good amount of time on the wedding circuit.  There are few things I love more than witnessing our friends entering into their vocation.  Although, obviously, every couple and every wedding is different (unique and unrepeatable, yo), it can feel…not repetitive or tedious, but exceedingly similar from wedding to wedding if I'm not careful.  Seeing the same friends, going through the same process each time of packing up an outfit and choosing a gift, even dancing to a lot of the same reception songs; it's too easy to feel on wedding autopilot sometimes.

But I don't want auto.  Bearing witness to a sacrament between two people I cherish, Love incarnate and grace come down to earth, should be anything but.  And truly, I have cried at every faithfully Catholic wedding I've been to, amazed at the love and anticipation between the couple and renewed in my determination to live out my own wedding vows with intention and joy like I promised I would.  It's the pre-wedding time, with its flurry of to-dos as a guest (particularly when I've been an out-of-town guest), that distracts from the sacrament.

That's why Andrew and I decided to start praying novenas for our friends in the nine days leading up to their union, ending on the wedding day.  We like to ask the couple about some of the saints they have a devotion to and try to choose a novena to one of those particular saints, but if we can't find one or forget to ask, we pray this one to St. Joseph for his example as a wholly loving spouse, his chastity, and his guardianship of the Holy Family.

To my surprise, praying these novenas together has borne fruit not just in the relationships of the couples we prayed for--at least, that was our intention--but in our own marriage. We have our own personal litany to saints we've come to love individually and as a couple, whose intercession we ask at the end of the Rosary, but to tell you the truth, I had mostly ever prayed novenas in times of desperation before (e.g. St. Raphael-where-is-my-future-husband, St. Gianna-please-let-Aaron-learn-to-breastfeed, St. Peter Damian-when-will-my-baby-sleep-through-the-night).  Since we started saying the wedding novenas a few years ago, though, I've come to love adding the prayer time into our spirituality as a couple, as well as the length of time a novena affords to ponder different aspects of a saint's life each day and to be mindful about our intentions for the entire duration.  Full disclosure: even though I've changed tack on the desperation thing, we do have a steady St. Joseph of Cupertino-please-let-Andrew-pass-his-comps thing going on right now.

If you'd like to join my husband and me in giving this pre-wedding gift, or, even better, if you'd like to begin praying for your own engagement and coming marriage, I hunted these down as a starting point for you:

Novena for a happy and faithful marriage: Amazingly, I'd never found this prayer before writing this post.  Inspired by St. Josemaria Escriva's homilies and spirituality, it's by Opus Dei and is truly beautiful.  There's one set of reflections for engagement, and another for marriage.  Andrew and I are planning to start this after we let Joseph of Cupertino off the hook!

A Theology of the Body-inspired novena that invokes the intercession of the Holy Family, the archangels, and JPII for the bride and groom.  In other words, boss.  This will be our personal go-to wedding novena from here on out. 

Novena to St. Anne, mother of Our Lady: Held up in the Church as a model of a holy wife and mother (I mean, how difficult a child could Mary have been to raise, but still.  Not just anyone could've been the grandmother of God!), asking St. Anne's prayers for imitating her example is an act of humility, generosity to your future husband, and an affirmation of your feminine worth. 

Prayer to St. Jude for the healing of a relationship: Self-explanatory.  In the past, I saw healing as something only necessary for major wounds or transgressions, but the longer we have been married, the more I have seen the value in total honesty and a will to forgive and repair even the smallest sources of division. 

A sweet, simple marriage blessing that would be a wonderful addition to your nightly prayers.

I should contemplate this more often, I think, but in a way, wedding guests have a responsibility for spiritual preparation just as the bride and groom do.  Prayers for the couple's marriage and, God willing, future family, is powerful and invites us as guests to experience the wedding in a way that draws us out of passivity; not because it's about us, but because together with the couple, our eyes are fixed on something greater.

I'll end this with two devotions I've recently added to my daily prayer.  First, here's a prayer for your husband that, to me, speaks the language of the self-emptying, other-focused love I strive to give Andrew.  It's beautiful for both engagement and after marriage.  Second, I found this nightly examen for married couples a few months ago and have been motivated but, frankly, embarrassingly humbled by its promptings to hold my tongue, to spend my time intentionally, and to cultivate a servant's heart for myself and more for my husband and my family.  So good.  I'd love to know what prayers you say for your relationship!  Spill.

Water Into Wine, and Hanging Out With Christopher West at Wedding Receptions: The Four Keys to Everlasting Love Book Preview

I'm not sure if this post is cheating, since the book I'm featuring isn't actually out for reading yet.  But, I want to share with you how excited I am about Karee Santos of Can We Cana's upcoming release, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime.  

Karee and I became friends through blogging a few years ago and have enjoyed communicating more frequently as we've gone down the first-time author path together.  We agreed to participate in endorsements for each other's projects, where you receive an advance copy of a forthcoming book and write a review for the publisher, parts of which might be featured on the book cover or in other marketing materials.  I had the pleasure of reading The Four Keys over the summer and am so honored to share it with you and put it on your radar before its April release.

Karee and her husband, Manny, have been married for over 15 years and have six kids!  They are Pre-Cana teachers with a passion for JPII's teachings on human love and on guiding couples not just in the ways of newlywed life, but in all the seasons of a lifetime together.  That, I think, is part of what makes their book so awesome: since college, I feel like I've inadvertently become something of a Catholic relationship book junkie, yet this is my first encounter with a book that spans every season of a married relationship, from engagement to young family life and beyond.  So no matter whether you're freshly engaged or have been married for a while, hopefully you'll appreciate, like me, the Santos' wisdom in living out your wedding vows in a complete gift of self.  What I loved is how practical the book is, with  case studies of real couples in each chapter (How many times have you read a book that inspires you to such holiness, but leaves you feeling a little clueless and, if you're like me, down on yourself as to how to actually apply it?  Not the case here) and questions to talk about with your fiancee or spouse.

I learned, for the first time, from the book's introduction that the Pontifical Council for the Family published an entire document on preparation for the sacrament of marriage (you can read it here; it's not too long!).  The council's recommendations for marriage and family life, including guidance on cultivating a deep, face-to-face union between man and wife, creating a prayerful family culture that welcomes life and embraces human dignity, and balancing work, leisure, worship, and service.  These guidelines form sort of the backbone of the book, along with John Paul II's call for marriage to be lived out freely, faithfully, fruitfully, and totally, and with Karee and Manny's intention that their ministry inspires couples to model their life together on the Jesus' first miracle--they point out, in the book, that "the Church, as Mary did at Cana, asks Jesus to change the water of human love into the wine of divine love." 

Manny's early drawing for the book's design.  Click here to see the GORGEOUS final cover!

Amen to that, yes?  I asked Karee to share more info on the book from behind-the-scenes.

You and Manny co-wrote the book together and take turns throughout sharing personal stories from your marriage.  What was it like pairing up on the writing?
Writing together involved connecting on a whole new level. By putting our thoughts on paper, we learned things about each other that we never knew. Some of it felt very painful. We tell the story of Manny's multiple brain tumors, and reliving those experiences was like being thrust back into that traumatic time in our lives. But when Manny wrote his section on Natural Family Planning, I found out he really didn't mind the abstinence that much--he said he felt like he was waiting, pursuing, and winning me all over again. So romantic!

Christopher West had the honor of writing the book's foreword (Christopher flipping West, you guys)!  How was he chosen for the task, and have you and your husband communicated with him during the process?
We first heard of Chris West back in the 1990s, when we discovered St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body. He's been our hero ever since. After we started writing, we asked people who they thought would be the best person to write a foreword to a book on Catholic marriage. Christopher won first place by a landslide. His book Good News about Sex and Marriage has been a top seller for more than ten years, so he was our dream pick.

Every so often, we would get little hints from God that maybe it wasn't such an impossible dream after all. My brother actually married Christopher's cousin. I got to meet his whole family and wound up talking to him for about half an hour during my brother's wedding reception. But he keeps a strict boundary between his public and private life, so we didn't want to bank on the family connection.

Later on, we found out that Chris' editor at Random House was sending his kids to the same Catholic school as our kids. What are the chances!  His editor offered to forward the book manuscript to Christopher and put in a good word for us. But we weren't ready, so we kept writing and praying.
Finally, our editor at Ave Maria Press told me that she would ask Christopher herself. I drove her crazy making sure that the manuscript was in perfect shape before she sent it to him! When he told her yes, we felt so overwhelmingly grateful and blessed.

The Four Keys offers plenty of guidance, through discussion questions and suggestions for going through the material in a small group, for experiencing the book not just by reading it, but truly contemplating the meaning of sacramental marriage.  Do you have any other hopes or advice for couples to get the most out of it?
The pre-Cana experience happens so quickly for most people. A whirlwind of a weekend and boom; it's done. Our book lets people take their time exploring the Church's beautiful wisdom gathered over the past 2,000 years. Sometimes people don't know what they don't know until after the wedding. It's so easy to get caught up in the rosy glow of frantic preparation and ecstatic happiness. Many times couples will encounter obstacles during the first year of marriage, and they can really be caught by surprise. But it's totally normal to hit small bumps in the road. Our book gives strategies to get past those.  

Through the book, we're really trying to extend the hand of friendship to engaged and married couples who want and need support in their shared journey of faith. It's our hope that couples will read the book together in a group of people who can serve as confidantes, role models, and friends for a long time.

***

Join me in praying for Karee, Manny, their book and the couples it will reach?  The Four Keys to Everlasting Love is already available for Pre-Order on Amazon, so help me spread the word and share it with couples you know!  You can read more about the book here (and be sure to sign up for the Santos' new e-newsletter!), and follow Can We Cana? on Facebook here.

My Renegade, TOB Take on Maleficent

A few disclaimers before we get into this: 1) I'll admit, this has little to do with weddings today, but this is the forum I have for writing so here I write.  2) If I weren't 8 months pregnant, my hysterical crying over this movie might have been just regular crying.  Still, I think it has a lot of emotional merit worth crying over.  3) Spoilers lurk ahead, though I suspect I'm one of the last people in the world to have watched this.

A few months ago, I read a few posts floating around Catholic blogland praising the truth, beauty and goodness to be found in Disney's Cinderella remake, particularly compared to the lack of goodness in Maleficent, which, of course, is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty.  I'm dying to see Cinderella and haven't yet, but as a lifelong Disney lover, I grabbed Maleficent, in spite of what I'd heard, when I spotted it at the library.  Free movies, people.

To my surprise, I found myself more moved (read: sobbing uncontrollably) by this film than any other I've recently seen.  To my even greater surprise, I seem to be in the minority on this.  After watching, the general secular opinion I read was that Maleficent is visually striking but weak on its intended pro-woman storytelling, and the general Christian interpretations I came across viewed the film as too subversive, with the message that men are weak and true love isn't real.  All due respect, especially to Kendra, whose Maleficent vs. Cinderella post I really enjoyed reading, I have a different take, one rooted in the longings of our fallen hearts and the hope of our redemption.

Maleficent introduces us to the titular fairy when she's a girl, joyful and free in her gorgeous woodland home.  There are some beautiful shots of her flying through the sky, gazing upon the heavens.  Like in the start of Genesis, the world, the garden, is unstained by sin or shame.  

Pope Saint JPII's Theology of the Body points to the Genesis narrative as a lens for understanding the deepest parts of our humanity: daily battles between love and lust, temptation and self-control, and our ache for something infinite, the result of the broken communion between man and God that took place at the Fall.  It's a communion we won't fully get back this side of heaven, but the unitive, nuptial aspects of each vocation give us a glimpse of the Father's divine love, the only love that can ever satisfy entirely.  

The Fall in Maleficent takes place when Maleficent's first love, the future King Stefan and Princess Aurora's (a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty's) father, a poor young man and reformed thief who's set his sights on greatness, secures the throne for himself by fulfilling the (current) dying King's request that Maleficent be destroyed after humiliating him on the battlefield.  Specifically, Stefan returns to Maleficent's wood after years apart have passed between them, drugs her into sleep, and cuts off her wings.  

The scene where Maleficent wakes from this sleep, completely bewildered and in deep physical and emotional pain, is wrenching (this was about where my tears started, and they didn't really stop after that), and marks the start of her path to becoming the glamorous-yet-terrifying villain I remember from my childhood.  Her transformation comes complete with shape-shifting raven sidekick; in this movie he is a man named Diaval whom Maleficent tends to treat like a plaything--to his resentment in several instances--turning him into whatever animal suits her whims and her needs.

Are these exemplary, functional relationships between men and women?  Not at all.  But that's what I think affected me so deeply and so truthfully about this movie.  It's oversimplifying, in my opinion, for morally-minded viewers to draw the conclusion that the film justifies Maleficent's descent into darkness and that it begs us to sympathize with her.  It's undeniable that she's been horribly, painfully wronged, by a perhaps more obvious villain than she in Stefan, yet it remained impossible  to see her in an entirely sympathetic light, or to feel she had a right to her sense of hatred.  I just saw it as a believable, if not virtuous, reaction to being so burned in her vulnerability.  I think Maleficent's resulting mistrust and manipulation of men makes her neither the sole victim of the wing-cutting, nor merely a misunderstood woman whom we should see as morally relatively good just because she was on the receiving end of an evil act.  I wept for the tragedy of human fallenness and of the wounds men and women inflict on each other, and for the actual walls of thorns Maleficent builds around herself.  King Stefan falls for selfish ambition, while Maleficent falls for revenge and isolation, each to the other's harm.

It's an interesting figure of speech, "falling" for something.  The movie speaks to this in a literal way through Stefan and Maleficent's sins, yet the phrase also implies someone has believed a lie they shouldn't have.  In Maleficent's case, she falls for the lie that cursing Stefan's daughter, Aurora, will right the wrong done to her and bring her fulfillment.  The second half of the movie focuses on the surprising maternal pull that draws Maleficent to Aurora as the princess grows up in seclusion, safe from Maleficent's spinning wheel curse.

Strangely, it's only since becoming a mother that I've felt most acutely a woman's desire for motherhood and for giving life, and have mourned most deeply the times when a woman struggles with this, through miscarriage, fertility issues, or otherwise.  I cried a whole lot more as I watched Maleficent's inclination to care for baby Aurora, who's left in the care of three incompetent pixies, and later, to engage her in conversation and invite Aurora into her company.  I found it beautiful that a woman so broken, so walled, still found her feminine heart stirred, subtly and unknowingly at first, and then more fully, by Aurora's new life as an infant and by Aurora's purity of spirit as a teenager.

Can we talk about Maleficent's love for Aurora?  Much seems to have been made of the fact that the movie suggests men are unnecessary, for the reason that it's Maleficent's motherly kiss that wakes Aurora from her cursed slumber, instead of Prince Philip's.  While it's true Maleficent's experience of betrayal is what leads her to make a mockery of true love's kiss when she casts the curse on the baby princess (which, again, is in my eyes an indicator of her imperfection, rather than a call to justify her actions without critical evaluation), I'm not so sure the reality of true love is in question here so much as the reality of love at first sight.


Aurora and Philip share a sweet, shy conversation in the woods at their first meeting, which notably lacks the "Once Upon a Dream" sequence from the original Sleeping Beauty, with its lines like "you'll love me at once."  When Aurora's pixie guardians learn about the prince, they're so excited at the possibility of Philip being the one to break the inevitable sleeping spell that they seem to depersonalize him.  In their understandable desperation to save Aurora, the pixies are happy enough that anyone, that is, the first man to come along, might love the princess, rather than someone.  JPII professed in one of his TOB audiences that "man is unique and unrepeatable above all because of his heart, which decides his being from within"--it makes sense, then, that each person and each couple's love story will be similarly unique. 

I go back and forth on the idea of soulmates.  On the surface, maybe, it looks like Maleficent suggests either that true romantic love isn't real, or that Philip and Aurora aren't meant to be, but I think there's actually another idea at work.  Regardless of whether or not the prince and princess are each other's destiny, the spell simply specifies that the princess be awoken by "true love's kiss," raising the question of whether Philip and Aurora can actually share true love, as in self-gift and sacrifice, after just one short encounter.  It could be just a matter of semantics, but I prefer to see Philip's "failed" kiss as an insight into how we fall in love--it's more than emotion, more than the flutter of feelings that spring from a first meeting, that makes for authentic romance and good will. What's more, the movie makes a point of showing that Philip is an entirely different man than Stefan.  Unlike the king, who drugs Maleficent and violates her body against her will, Philip is hesitant to even kiss Aurora while she's asleep, for the very reason that she'll have no idea, and finally agrees only at the pixies' incessant requests.

I got a little wary at the end of the movie, which shows Aurora and Maleficent on their own, back in Maleficent's newly dethroned forest.  The woods have been restored to their original beauty and Maleficent's wings have been restored to her (which, together, suggest to me a powerful image of a return to the garden in eternity and the resurrection of the body).  Had the film concluded just with that whole All You Women Who Independent business, I would've been disappointed.  After what I perceive as an effort to explore the truth of love as a gradual development--the fruit of coming to see and know another, rather than instantaneous, traditional fairy-tale love--leaving Aurora entirely on her own would've been a little too obviously feminist, too easy an ending for me.  But I don't think this movie takes many easy outs.  Instead, by making a choice to show Prince Philip returning to visit the princess, we're left with a sense of possibility that maybe a truthful, personal love really could develop between these two.  Their first meeting and first kiss aren't the end game, but the beginning.

So that's that, my unexpected reaction to and weird interpretation of this story.  I think secular critics missed the point of the movie by reducing it to a commentary on the injustices men inflict on women, and that it's a shame it was marketed (falsely, in my opinion) in a way that made light of evil.  And I think audiences who care about the moral implications of what they watch also missed the mark, making the assumption, perhaps, that if any plot twist strays too far from tradition, there must be some agenda at work. I know it'd be naive of me to think Hollywood doesn't, in fact, have an agenda, yet the beauty of Maleficent lies, to me, in the truths about who we are, beneath any cultural conventions or media-driven intentions about love, sex, and gender.  Whether the world chooses to recognize it or not, it's the truth that all of us are fallen and walking around with wounded hearts, yet there is grace at work in the world, and restorative love and healing are possible.

What about you? Agree?  Disagree?  What did you think of Maleficent, and did you notice any of the TOB underpinnings I did?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!

This Is My Body: Dealing With Wedding Night Nerves

Sometimes I think I really must be a lunatic.  I just like talking to people about sex.  Well, about chastity, NFP, and the Theology of the Body, specifically, so hopefully not so crazy?  Anyway, week after week, the most-read posts on this blog are the ones I featured two years ago on preparing for your wedding night when you are virgins, when you aren't, and when one of you has a sexual past and the other doesn't.  If you missed them, you can catch them here:

Be Not Afraid: The Sex Post

Be Not Afraid: The Sex Post, Part 2

Guest Post from Trista: Sex is Replacable; Love Is Not

Or maybe you're coming to this from a different place. In the time since these posts were published, I've gotten emails every few months from brides-to-be expressing the nervousness they're feeling as their wedding nights draw closer.  Thanks to what I attribute entirely to grace and well-timed formation, neither Andrew nor I were anxious about our wedding night, but I completely get that there's so much anticipation, conventional expectations, and a lifetime of experiences personal to just you, all packed into one night--it can understandably add up to major nerves.  So here, humbly and imperfectly (and hopefully not too awkwardly…), speaking only from my experience and the candid thoughts I've shared back and forth with other brides, are my thoughts on what seem to be common wedding-night concerns, and how to approach them with love and a spirit of openness.

If you're nervous about physical pain:
Again, I can only speak for myself here.  In my experience, our first few times were uncomfortable.  Yet with complete honesty, I can say the pain was coupled with a very true, pure sense of joy at finally being able to unite myself fully to Andrew and express our love in all the ways we'd been longing for our whole engagement.

The Cross is sometimes described as the agony and the ecstasy, and I meditated on that sometimes during those first few months.  To unite yourself to Christ is to accept suffering, but to unite yourself to him is also to trust in the promise of fulfillment, in every longing of our hearts.  Just so we're clear, I wasn't thinking about these things while everything was going on!  They were, however, constantly in my heart and my prayer life as we adjusted to being newlyweds.  And on the technical side, using a lubricant as often as you need can help ease discomfort you might feel, and so can taking your time with one another before actual intercourse to relax your body.

If you're nervous about the different intimacy you're about to share:
Just like it takes time in a relationship to build communication and honesty in your emotional and spiritual lives, so it is with your physical relationship.  Don't be frustrated if your sexual relationship takes a while, well into your first year of marriage, even, to feel more effortless and free.  If you are truthful and loving, I promise it will happen.

Meantime, it's not bad or wrong to feel like sex is a major step--it'd probably be weirder to view it as insignificant, no?  There's no rule saying you have to have sex the second you walk out of your reception and shut the doors.  Being so close as husband and wife will be completely new, and it's okay if you'd prefer to wait a night or two.  So long as other intimate acts aren't used as a means to an end, it can be really beautiful to just take your time getting to know each other, fully revealed.

If you're nervous about how to communicate in a new way and put your sexuality into words:
I dated someone who genuinely struggled with articulating his emotions and being honest about his feelings towards our relationship, towards how I and other people treated him, and towards his own strengths and weaknesses, to the point that he would often be vague and evasive, partially out of not really knowing how to verbalize his thoughts, only to let out a flood of unfiltered, uncontrolled anger every few weeks.  When Andrew and I first became friends, I remember being so struck by his humble sincerity; he thought (and still thinks) carefully before speaking, yet what he said communicated so clearly what he was really thinking that there seemed to be no division between what he was saying and who he actually was.  I could just see him so clearly, and I feel like I came to know him so truthfully.

I say this because many sex therapists, religious and otherwise, hold the belief that a couple's sex life is a sort of microcosm of the other parts of their life together--that is, if they're generous in their physical relationship, they're likely to express generosity in other, non-sexual ways, and if they withhold things from each other in the bedroom, it can indicate other behaviors in their relationship that point to selfishness or to bottling up conflict.  My husband's directness and honesty are two of my favorite qualities of his, and he's drawn out similar habits in me that had never been tapped by anyone else before.

They've served us well in every part of our relationship, but in our intimacy, as well.  I truly feel like the best remedy for nerves about communication is simply to be honest from the get-go about what you both like and dislike, what's uncomfortable, and what you are open to.  At first, I felt shy bringing up stuff like that because we'd never had an opportunity to talk about it before, but it has helped our marriage so much, not just in the sexual category, to be completely open and to talk about things with love and charity.  Bringing everything onto the table, in a prudent way, eliminates so many possible misunderstandings or feelings that stay hidden because they are never addressed.

If you're nervous about making the night special when you're abstaining for NFP reasons:
We prayerfully made the decision to postpone pregnancy in the beginning of our marriage because Andrew was in grad school and I was unemployed.  Our wedding fell right in the fertile middle of my cycle.  The thought you're having, that abstaining might take away from your wedding night, is totally understandable, and it definitely went through my head a few times.  Every couple is different, of course, but being on the other side of it now, I can honestly and so joyfully say that not being able to have sex right away wasn't disappointing at all and didn't take away one thing from our wedding night.

On that first night, there is so much that is brand new and special--being completely alone, seeing each other for the first time, and learning how to be intimate in a new way.  You're so free.  That said, in our case we weren't thinking at all about what we didn't get to have, but what we did.  I think, too, that for us, going from mostly just kissing before marriage all the way to sex on the night of our marriage would've been a huge leap, and I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to just enjoy one another slowly at first.  That's not to say it wouldn't have been nice to have the chance if we hadn't been abstaining; it's just that nothing felt missing, and things were wonderful as they were.

If you're anxious about being disappointed or the night not being special just for the reason that you'll be abstaining, I'd encourage you to pray about not seeing sex as a finish line.  Try, instead, to see every act of intimacy as something beautiful in and of itself, not just a step on the path to something else.  I know that for me, I was concerned about the morality of certain acts if they weren't going to result in going the whole nine.  A faithful married friend advised me, at the time, to view each of these other things as an act of love that isn't striving for anything more beyond the present moment.  When they are approached with love for the other and a sense of purity, she reminded me, there is nothing wrong about them, and they aren't acting as some sort of false start or way of arousing the other person without fulfillment; they can be completely fulfilling and beautiful on their own when there's no grasping for more.

On your wedding day, you stand before God and man and vow that the good of another person is more valuable, more important to you than the good of yourself.  On your wedding night, acting with love when you've chosen to abstain is a heroic sacrifice and an immediate, tangible way of living out your vows: putting aside your wants for the good of the other and, in this case, for the good of your new marriage.

Alright.  Thoughts, friends?  Andrew and I once gave a talk to engaged couples that we high-fived over afterwards, only to read the surveys and find the general sentiment was "don't talk so much about sex." Oh the humbling; how I need it.  But if this post has helped you, I'd love to know, and my prayer is that it bear much fruit and living water in your marriage.  Feel free to toss in your two cents of advice, and if  you feel like chatting, email me anytime at stephanie.captivetheheart@gmail.com.  I love hearing from you!

Interview With a Catholic Wedding Photographer: Kate Capato of Visual Grace

About a week ago, I was left awestruck by this article from the Theology of the Body Institute, calling us out of ourselves (and away from our phones!) to walk headlong into beauty, "not as a decorative diversion but an essential need."  A Catholic wedding, with its invitation to grace and beauty through all of our senses, is a profoundly powerful thing.  My friend Jiza and I have been talking about how Catholic wedding vendors, particularly photographers, can capture your Mass, the sacraments, and the chapel in a way others might not.  And, I love the added community aspect of supporting our brothers and sisters as they cultivate their talent.

That being said, I am so excited to introduce Kate Capato of Visual Grace to you today!  She and I have both worked for the same organization, though not at the same time, and have a handful of friends in common though we haven't met face to face.  Truly, everything about Kate's work exudes authenticity and the Theology of the Body; this girl deeply, deeply pursues and understands our unity of body and soul and the heart's ache for beauty.  Through painting, dance, and photography, she strives, through Visual Grace, to "draw the viewer in to ponder what it means to be human."  Truly, I'm amazed and am so grateful for her insights.  Without further ado...

Your business, Visual Grace, has such an amazingly unique mission: beyond just expressing an image on camera or on a canvas, you strive to capture the good, true, and beautiful in your work, and for that beauty to point us to God and reveal our human nature.  First, how did you even come up with something so great like that?  Second, how does that mission come specifically into play when you shoot engagements and weddings?
As an artist, I have been inspired by JP2, particularly his studies known as The Theology of The Body. As I continue in the work of mission and the arts, I see how much beauty can transform hearts. I also see how much we, as a culture, lack in being able to see and receive beauty. My goal became to reveal authentic beauty, which includes revealing what is true and what is good. They all go hand in hand. Visually, this plays out by using what is authentic. In simple ways this plays out in a photo by using natural lighting as much as possible and really sticking to revealing the personality of the couples. 

Do you work exclusively with Catholic couples, families, and individuals in your business? Regardless, what, to you, sets a Catholic wedding apart?
While many of my clients are Catholic, I do not work exclusively with Catholic couples. Catholic weddings, of couples who truly understand what they are doing in committing their lives to one another and becoming one, have such a grace about them. You can see it in their eyes. They stand before one another as a gift to behold. The Ceremony is such an important part to them. While their receptions are also gorgeous, they would never want the Ceremony to be something to move quickly through. They get that the sacrament is the moment of great grace. 

Brides have so much access to visual inspiration when planning their weddings, often before they even meet their vendors.  As a photographer, have you noticed pros and cons to this?
I don't mind this so far. Most couples I have dealt with trust me and, again, are more focused on the joy of the sacrament then having everything specific. Sometimes, I encourage them to look up things they would like to have captured. This helps them visualize for themselves how they would like to reflect back on the day. They have so much to think about so to be honest, I think it has been helpful. 

What's the most helpful thing a couple can do for you as a photographer before and during their wedding day?
Strive to find places with good lighting. Where they get ready, the church, the reception, all of it may be beautiful, but natural lighting is what makes a photo fabulous. Furthermore, account for enough time as possible to allow for the photographer to get the best photos of the couples and bridal party (hopefully outside). 

I'd love to hear stories from some of the weddings you've shot!  Are there any particularly profound moments that stand out to you?  Any funny or otherwise memorable ones? 
For most of a wedding day, I am running around with the camera in front of my face. I get to see a variety of structured days. You get to learn about each couple and what is important to them. I will be shooting a wedding in a few weeks that is a full day with different Masses throughout the day, and the reception is at this really cool camp. I think it will be elegant but really down to earth.  

Recently I flew to Canada to shoot a wedding. I forgot that I would have to figure out all the details in regards to currency and phone differences because it's not AMERICA. Anyway, getting off the plane was like playing Marco Polo to find my ride because I didn't have phone service!

You work for The Culture Project, an organization committed to inspiring and upholding virtue, chastity, human dignity, and a life fully lived through a relationship with Christ.  Does this work influence your art, and vice versa?
Totally. With The Culture Project, I am constantly being formed and speaking on the topics of what is true, good, and beautiful. That being said, I am always learning more about what it means to love and how to share that with others. Love is so gracious and generous, much different then what our society portrays. Society points us to a passionate lust. They make lust a goal, when in all it is actually use. Our desires and passions are not bad; however, there is a much deeper peace and joy in knowing that authentic love thinks of what one can give verses what one will get. The union of two hearts and the deep joy that comes from that is so different from focusing only on the pleasure the other can give you. 

Anything else you'd like to share?  
I am also a dancer and a painter. I really believe that these two art forms greatly influence my photographs, not only the way I take them but how they turn out. I am constantly thinking about composition and how the bodies are facing etc. Really, all the arts go hand in hand. 

Thank you so, so much, Kate!  Visit Kate's website here to drink in her beautiful portfolio, and check out her latest work (and get in touch if you're looking for a photographer!) on Facebook.

My Spirit Rejoices: Theology of the Body-Inspired Wedding Songs

{sweet sounds for your Mass and reception}

A question worth pondering (one I'm still figuring out): just how personal should your first dance song be?  Should you take an opportunity to share your faith or just stick to a conventional love song?

Brooke and I chatted over coffee about a month ago about how a bride and groom are, in a way, responsible for their guests in the way they plan their Mass and reception.  Although, obviously, not every aspect of your reception requires heavy-handed theological discourse (I'd argue, actually, that nothing should be heavy-handed so much as simply done with love, truth, and invitation), the choices made regarding things like alcohol and music can have an effect on your guests' behavior and the way they remember the day.  As first dances go, there's a natural desire to choose a song that's meaningful or sentimental to you as a couple, yet at the same time, there is an awareness that the song you pick will send a message to everyone who's there watching and listening.  Or is that just over analytical me?

Maybe it's my lifelong reading habit or my poetical husband, but more so than sound, mood, or any other aspect, lyrics are what almost always draw me most powerfully into a song.  Something about the precision of capturing a certain emotion or experience with beautiful language matters a lot to me, and Andrew and I wanted to reflect that in our first dance song.  Unfortunately, we chickened out on our first choice (too intimate) and second (too long) and settled on this, which you can read more about here.

Looking back, I sometimes wish we had been bold enough to choose a song more personal and reflective of our spirituality.  I have an entire playlist of secular songs I constantly listen to that, in my opinion at least, cry out lyrically of the Theology of the Body--songs that speak to the longing of our hearts for something more than this life, the glimpse of heaven pure, sacrificial love affords us, the constant battle to allow love to prevail over lust and selfishness, and the perfecting love of the Father, who rejoices simply in the fact that we exist.  It's a tall order, cramming all that into one song, but if you're on the hunt for a TOB-inspired first dance, I offer you these.

What do you think about loving responsibility and evangelization through your Mass and reception?  Did any of your favorites make this list, and which ones did I leave off?  Would you choose one, or a similarly-minded song, for your first dance?

P.S.  Did you catch my book title reveal yesterday?  I'll be announcing it on the blog next week, but you can catch it right now, ahead of time, on Facebook and Instagram.  Follow along and share it with a bride-to-be!