Mother Teresa's Example to Me as a Bride, Looking Ahead & An Announcement

During Lent, I decided, along with Emily of Raising Barnes and Stephanie of Bluebird Songs, to make my way through Mother Teresa's Come Be My Light for a little spiritual reading book club.  I have to admit, even after Pentecost I'm still making my way through, but the experience of reading about this beautiful woman's call to found her order as a "call within a call," among immense obstacles in the form of her spiritual director and bishop wanting to be sure the pull on Teresa's heart was from God and, most significantly, in the face of intense spiritual dryness and a complete absence of feeling the Lord's presence, left such an impression on me.

I first heard of the book from my best friend's younger sister, who at the time was discerning entering the Poor Clares.  At the time, I saw Mother Teresa as immensely beautiful and holy, so much so that she wasn't the most relatable, though certainly very admirable.  The book sounded interesting, yet I'm aware now that during my conversion in college I was protected by grace and didn't really experience much darkness or spiritual attack, so that being the focus of the book didn't really draw me at the time.

I found a copy in a used bookstore after I graduated and decided to read it because of Tersa's missionary nature, as I was spending that year on mission.  It was also the year I was engaged, and what stood out to me most, and still did on this second reading, is how literally Jesus and Teresa were like spouses. As I read during Lent, I noticed how Jesus constantly called her things like his little bride and little spouse, and noticed the sacrifice to which she went to do his will, even when in doubt and even when it caused her pain.  Before the publication of Come Be My Light, most of the world didn't know that the beautiful sister in blue and white, perpetually smiling and visibly joyful, was thirsting for God, crying out to him for years as she felt, quite literally, locked out of heaven.
What's more, Mother Teresa's spousal love for Christ stood out to me as a pure, beautiful form of obedience.  As a sister, Teresa took the Franciscan vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, and later felt drawn to make a fourth private vow: she promised Jesus that she would refuse him nothing.  How simple, I thought, yet so immense to consider as it's actually lived out, especially when you consider her dark night of the soul.  

I asked myself what Andrew's and my relationship would look like if, after discerning that a request of his was a worthy one, I were to simply do it, out of love for him and a desire for both of our sanctification.  Obviously, things like chores don't require much discernment, but our major life decisions do, and the level of trust required of me would be huge.  I told my husband this, and after he thanked me for being so willing to love him in this way, he said, "You have to remember that I'm not God. I don't have every answer figured out, and don't have the perfect knowledge that he does of every right path for us."  Smart, smart, good-lookin' man. He'd started the book, too, and told me he'd also been inspired by Teresa's obedience to Christ, her beloved spouse.  But what he pointed out to me is that of course we can't make each other into idols and blindly assume that everything we ask of each other is something we should actually do.  Still, we agreed, what an amazing model for a marriage to imitate Mother Teresa's faithfulness and desire to seek the Father's will in all things, in the form of constant daily obedience.

Reading the book six years ago as Andrew's fiance, Mother Teresa's divine intimacy with Jesus felt like a huge, but worthy, ideal to strive for, though I knew I'd fall short and would have to go easy on myself. And now, nearly five years into my marriage, I actually feel pretty sobered by the realization of just how damn much I fall short. Andrew's weeks of intense studying for his comps exams a few months ago were one of the most stressful times our relationship has ever encountered, and Come Be My Light was a powerful motivation for me to realize this time is God's will for us.  I saw, and continue to see, so clearly how a willingness to put yourself aside so entirely for your spouse is worth the constant effort.  It's worth our eternity.

Depending on my mood or how I've acted on a given day, that realization is either discouraging or inspiring, but I keep reminding myself that being down on myself is not of God, and neither is feeling frustrated with my abilities in my marriage.  Instead, it's an opportunity to beg for grace and try to receive it well.

So that's our life as we prepare to celebrate our fifth anniversary two months from now.  I look back at photos of us as newlyweds and see two twenty-three year old kids with stars in their eyes, aglow with the joy of a lifetime to come.  And truly, the joy we've experienced is impossible to put into words.  The stumbling blocks, the sorrows, though; they're just as incommunicable.  We still have stars in our eyes, but we're tempered now by the times we've failed each other in sacrifice or patience or quick apologies or even simple kind words.  

I told Andrew recently how sorry I still feel for all these long since forgiven moments, and though we both understand we should still hold each other to a standard of truest love, he said knowing that we've fallen short has still brought us closer to each other and to holiness.  When we got married, he said, we loved each other completely (with all the effort and intention that entails), because we knew a completeness of each other at the time.  The longer we've been married, though, the more complete that vision of each other has become. He told me that in some ways, the trust we founded our vows on is even more trustworthy and entire now, after being tested by our seeing the deepest flaws and weaknesses in each other.  Our love, and commitment to keep loving completely, remains, and is richer than it was on that July day five summers ago.

Approaching a milestone anniversary, three moves and two babies from when I started Captive the Heart in 2012, feels like a good time for a transition.  I mentioned to you a few weeks ago how thrilled I am to be collaborating with three dear friends on Spoken Bride, a wedding and lifestyle blog for Catholic brides and newlyweds launching on the 31st of this month, the Feast of the Visitation.  At least for now, I'll be focusing my writing efforts there.  Spoken will feature real, beautiful Catholic wedding photos and love stories alongside the kind of wedding-related content that's here on Captive the Heart, so my words might take a turn a little away from the personal toward the editorial. I'll still be telling stories and showing you pictures of my babies here.  I'll be writing my last few posts here over the next few weeks, and will continue sharing articles, graphics, and photos you won't find on the blog on Facebook through the 31st.  I am so unbelievably excited for this new ministry and the truth and beauty it has to offer. I hope you'll join me!

What Aziz Ansari and JPII Both Showed Me About Love

I downloaded Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance from the library to read in the hospital after Lily was born, thinking I was basically in for a quick read of a comedy book.  The thing, though, about downloading library books instead of borrowing the physical copies, is you miss out on reading the dust jacket, and maybe it was just me, but I actually had no idea the book is more serious than that.

Ansari set out to write a book just filled with his observations and quips on love and dating, but the more people's text messages he read aloud during his stand-up shows, and the more he talked to older generations and noticed what set their relationships apart from ours, the more he noticed young adults have a range of self-destructive habits when it comes to the intersection of dating, technology, and social media.  He changed tack and worked with sociologists and huge focus groups to get at the core of why people our age have so many complaints about finding love, and I'd argue that the book functions primarily as a social study, not as a humor book--the jokes are sprinkled throughout and are direct responses to the data.

Props, Tommy Fresh. If you can get past what I thought was pretty judiciously used cussing (and, full disclosure, mentions of a few acts that Catholics just can't get behind), I admired the heck out of this book and recommend it.  For a well-liked, truly funny celeb to call out behaviors like sexting as an opening line and refusing to commit to a relationship for the reason that things like Tinder and online dating make it seem like someone better is always around the corner, in a way that's sharp but non-judgy, letting the facts and testimonies speak for themselves, is bold.

And perceptive.  Like the JPII-lovin' cliche that I am, I couldn't ignore the echoes of Love and Responsibility I heard in the stories from Modern Romance.  I want to share them here because I know when you're surrounded by a solid, faithful community and/or are in a relationship that strives for holiness, it's a little too easy to be hard on our brothers and sisters who are out there dating the culture's way.  Whether someone recognizes it or not, every experience of longing for romance, of desire, and of wishing there was something more is an experience of longing for God, the only one in whom we'll find true love and true rest.  Each of us want that; each wandering, restless, aching heart.  Here's the proof:

Every human person is loved and willed into existence, entirely unique, and has immense dignity in God's image and likeness.  And each of us is someone, not something.  John Paul II used the phrase "unique and unrepeatable" to describe the human person in his Christmas Day homily, 1978, and it became sort of a hallmark of his outlook on human dignity.  In Love and Responsibility, he wrote, "it is because it is directed towards a particular human being that the sexual urge can provide the framework within which...the possibility of love arises."  In other words, any attraction should be aimed at someone, specific and special, and not just anyone for the sake of attraction alone.  Our generation gets it.  One young woman, jaded by online dating, said in one of Aziz's studies that "People are not products.  But, essentially, when you say, 'I want a guy that's six foot tall and has blah, blah, blah characteristics, you're treating a human being like one."  The online dating chapter of the book concludes a section with, "even people who meet through Tinder or OkCupid are much more likely to turn a random first date into a meaningful relationship if they follow the advice of [one young man who participated]: There's something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we'll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it."

The thrill of falling for someone new is amazing, but can lead us to idealize that person and be too hard on him as he reveals more of himself over time.  The Pope warns against letting emotion overtake reason, saying, "values are bestowed upon the object of love which he or she does not necessarily possess in reality.  These are ideal values, not real ones."  The idealized person can become "merely the occasion for an eruption in the subject's emotional consciousness of the values which he or she longs with all his heart to find in another person" (raise your hand if you've ever started planning your wedding seconds after meeting a new guy who's Catholic and single?).  Meantime, Modern Romance, while it makes a point not to be too down on online dating--it suggests using it not as most people do, as a way to find a relationship, but as a way to get a sense of who's nearby whom you might be interested and then to get off the computer and go talk to them face to face, without all the preamble--does make the point that the sheer number of possibilities on dating sites can overwhelm us with choice to the point of inaction, or can increase the restlessness we're already feeling.  "Seeing all these options," says the book, "are we now comparing our potential partners not to other potential partners but rather to an idealized person whom no one could measure up to?"  And when things don't go perfectly with a seemingly perfect person, "you conclude there's something wrong with the person or the relationship since it isn't as exciting as before, without ever giving companionate love a chance to bloom."

We ache for completion; for a union that can ultimately be fulfilled only by God, which manifests itself in our search for a soulmate.  Because of our uniqueness as persons, it makes sense to me that we want to be in love with someone uniquely suited to us (here's my take on soul mates).  Before reading this book, I'd never known or thought much about the fact that our grandparents' generation often met and married someone from their hometown or even their own childhood neighborhood or street, whereas it's not uncommon for young adults our age go to college and, later, work, far from where they grew up.  These couples tended to have an initial rapport, friendship, and attraction that turned into abiding, romantic love because to them, giving up on their marriages wasn't really an option (by choice, not just by social attitudes toward divorce).  I think that level of devotion and the will to love is beautiful, and marriages like my grandparents'  inspire me for the very reason that they are so lovingly, faithfully committed, but I have to say, I'm incredibly thankful to have been born when I was.   We're blessed living in a culture where marrying for love isn't a dreamy alternative to settling or to marrying for other social reasons (as good as those relationships might be); it's a reality.  It's just the navigating the dating world to get to that reality that's the hard part…

I initially set out to write my college senior thesis on the parallels between Love and Responsibility and Jane Austen's novels.  All the romantic missteps!  That JPII talked about!  That's what all of Jane's characters were doing!  I was so excited, and it probably didn't help that I was only a few months into my obsession (TOB-session?) with the Pope's writings.  Then one day, the professors I was working with sat me down and pointed out that, well, as much as the literary characters were living proof of the Pope's observations, there was no historic or academic connection between the works, a.k.a. back to the drawing board.  I ended up writing my paper on Austen and Aristotle, and I know now that my teachers were right.  But even if there's no actual link, the fact that there are so many similarities between the ideas of a 20th-century cardinal and an 18th-century young woman, both celibate, who knew the heart so well just goes to show that John Paul's writing is powerful stuff.  So yeah, Modern Romance is, you know, modern, and timely.  The cries of our hearts don't really change, though.  Ever ancient, ever new, baby.

INVITED: Available Now, How to Order It, and 2 Bridal Giveaways!

After three years of working on this project so close to my heart, including months of marketing and sharing my excitement with you, my book has been released with a…well, not quite with the bang I'd hoped for.  Thanks to past revisions to the final release date and to other mysterious internet workings, Amazon isn't currently showing INVITED  as currently available to purchase; just for Pre-Order.  BUT!  Good news.  If you click on the availability link under the format box with the price (for instance, "20 new from $16.95"), you can add the book to your cart and it will ship from Pauline Books to your door.

Speaking of Pauline, have you snagged your 20% discount coupon from them yet?  You can still download a copy of Andrew's and my Rosary meditations for couples here, and as a thank you, a coupon to buy the book from Pauline's online store will arrive in your inbox.

Now to the fun stuff.  Glitches be darned, I want to celebrate the release and thank you for all of your support with TWO giveaways just for brides today!  If you're engaged, you are eligible for a huge bridal gift box containing this fragrance sampler from Sephora to help you choose your wedding scent (try out the 15 samples, including Tory Burch, Tom Ford, and Elizabeth & James, then bring the included voucher into a Sephora store to get a full-size bottle of your fave), a $50 gift card for BHLDN, Anthropologie's gorgeous line of bridal accessories, shoes, lingerie, and other amazing things, a copy of INVITED, and a copy of The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, a brand new book by a married couple of 16 years on navigating every season of your life together.  I read it last summer and it's beautiful.

You're also eligible for a second present if you're a bride-to-be!  I want to say thank you by surprising you with a gift from your wedding registry.  Andrew and I recently got into Parks and Rec and I can promise you it won't be like this.  Unless you want it to be.

I'll be choosing one winner for the gift box and one for the registry gift on Sunday!  Winners will be announced next Monday, the 11th.  Here's how to enter:

Make sure your email is linked to your account in the comments so I can get in touch if you win, or that you include your email address in your comment.  Best of luck, friends!

Brides Who've Been There: 7 Ways to Pray With Your Husband

I'm taking a blogging break to soak up our sweet Lily Grace (and, let's be honest, to keep my head above water through this beautiful newborn chaos), so I asked some of my married friends to contribute in my absence.  Over the next few weeks, they'll be taking over to chat about wedding planning, bridal beauty and style, and sharing stories about their newlywed days.  

Today, they're shedding some light on their married prayer lives:

We are not experts in this area, but the things we do consistently are praying with our children before they go to bed, praying for our own intentions before we go to bed, and on the weekends we do the Scripture readings for the day and have prayer time in the morning after breakfast. Before we had kids we shared a holy hour at our parish Adoration chapel. It was at 2:00 a.m, and it was a very cool and unifying experience to get up in the middle of the night and go pray together. We're not able to do that now that we have little kids, but sometimes we go to the Adoration chapel together as a family...for about 2 minutes! - Anna

Anna, her husband Alex, and their two sweet babies, Johnny and Trixie

We started St. Bridget's 12-Year (yes, you read that right) Novena not long before we got engaged. We still pray it together nightly, as well as sharing any special intentions we have. We also try to incorporate various Scripture readings and discussion into our prayer time. - Amanda

This has been a struggle for me, as I find it hard to pray out loud or with someone else. Before we start praying, we often discuss things we need to pray about, like what's going on at my husband's job, things that are coming up in our lives, or friends and relatives who need prayer support. Sometimes, we've used short devotionals together, like Gary Chapman's Life Promises for Couples (I wrote about it here) or Emerson Eggerich's The Love & Respect Experience (and about that one here). We've often also prayed set prayers together, like the Rosary, novenas, or other prayers written by saints. - Bonnie

We pray together before meals and at bedtime.  For the sake of entertainment, I'll tell you about our routine...We rotate who leads prayers throughout the day.  So, if I lead at breakfast, my husband will lead at lunch.  At bedtime, we each prefer to sleep facing one side or the other, so we rotate that too. Whoever prays at night gets to face their preferred direction for that particular night!  It rotates every day, and we poke fun at each other when one person gets gypped out of "their night" due to travel schedules and such.  Yeah, we're weird.  It's okay. - Lauren

 I wish we actually did more of this. We pray with our children and do our personal devotions separately. This is why I love date nights, because we can actually pray together--just the two of us. - Sarah

Sarah, Derek, and their kids!

We go to Mass together. We sing hymns together. We read and discuss scripture and theology and papal homilies--often one of us reads aloud while the other does dishes. We pray evening prayer sometimes on big feast days. We pray with our babies when we tuck them in at night. We made our wedding vows holding a crucifix in our hands, and we have that crucifix on our bedside table and kiss it before going to sleep. - Rachel


Learning to pray together as a married couple is something that takes time to develop a strong routine. My husband and I have many different ways we like to pray together: read spiritual books, go to Eucharistic Adoration, or pray the Rosary. But one particular way we pray together has been most beneficial and life-giving to us as a couple is our nighttime ritual of "the dailies." I have wrote about here, but I'll give you a quick run-down right now: every night we give each other two affirmations, we share 2-3 feelings we felt over the past day, and then we pray over each other. We always start and end our "dailies" in prayer; so if I start my husband Jim will usually close, and vice-versa.  It's been a unique and life-giving way or us to incorporate the spiritual and emotional parts of ourselves into drawing closer together and to God. Try out the dailies!  It's been life changing for our spiritual relationship together! - Patty

Your turn!  Nearly five years into married life, consistently praying together, rather than on our own and never speaking of it, is still something Andrew and I are always trying to be better at.  Share your devotions and the ways you pray together in the comments!

"My Soul Proclaims the Greatness of the Lord:" A Marian Post Roundup

Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception, y'all.  Mary, under this title, is the patroness of my alma mater (and I know I'm biased, but really, given the name, the history, and the saintly children of Our Lady who've walked the grounds--Elizabeth Ann Seton being one of them--is there a school out there more suited to the term "loving mother?), and on this day in the past few years, I've had several extraordinary, transcendent times that bore tremendous joy and one exceedingly crappy, spiritual warfare-ridden time that ended in a breakdown.  Each of them, I know, regardless of my emotional state, has been the result of binding myself to our mother in Heaven (more on that below), a promise that has borne such fruit in my spiritual life and my marriage and that I'd never take back, even when the battles are on.

So between those things, this day of Mary's conception, the day she was formed to crush the head of evil and to illuminate our path to her son, is one of the most meaningful days in the Church for me.  In honor of her, to whom I'm immeasurably grateful to belong entirely,  here's a collection of posts from the archives on all things Marian:

In which I call Mary a badass (sorry, just trying to capture the right sentiment!), and why there's nothing more beautiful than a man in love with Our Lady

One of the first posts I ever wrote, on looking to Our Lady when you're struggling with beauty and self-worth

Why consecrating myself to Mary was one of the scariest, best things I ever did 

An awesome, self-guided book to prepare for Marian Consecration

How meditating on Our Lady's identity as an earthly mother to Christ can ease some of the insecurities of pregnancy

The exhilarating, sometimes terrifying (but always, always worth it) beauty of loving like Mary and Simeon at the Presentation

What about you?  I'd love to know what this day means to your spirituality and how you're walking with Our Lady this Advent!  Thoughts?

Water Into Wine, and Hanging Out With Christopher West at Wedding Receptions: The Four Keys to Everlasting Love Book Preview

I'm not sure if this post is cheating, since the book I'm featuring isn't actually out for reading yet.  But, I want to share with you how excited I am about Karee Santos of Can We Cana's upcoming release, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime.  

Karee and I became friends through blogging a few years ago and have enjoyed communicating more frequently as we've gone down the first-time author path together.  We agreed to participate in endorsements for each other's projects, where you receive an advance copy of a forthcoming book and write a review for the publisher, parts of which might be featured on the book cover or in other marketing materials.  I had the pleasure of reading The Four Keys over the summer and am so honored to share it with you and put it on your radar before its April release.

Karee and her husband, Manny, have been married for over 15 years and have six kids!  They are Pre-Cana teachers with a passion for JPII's teachings on human love and on guiding couples not just in the ways of newlywed life, but in all the seasons of a lifetime together.  That, I think, is part of what makes their book so awesome: since college, I feel like I've inadvertently become something of a Catholic relationship book junkie, yet this is my first encounter with a book that spans every season of a married relationship, from engagement to young family life and beyond.  So no matter whether you're freshly engaged or have been married for a while, hopefully you'll appreciate, like me, the Santos' wisdom in living out your wedding vows in a complete gift of self.  What I loved is how practical the book is, with  case studies of real couples in each chapter (How many times have you read a book that inspires you to such holiness, but leaves you feeling a little clueless and, if you're like me, down on yourself as to how to actually apply it?  Not the case here) and questions to talk about with your fiancee or spouse.

I learned, for the first time, from the book's introduction that the Pontifical Council for the Family published an entire document on preparation for the sacrament of marriage (you can read it here; it's not too long!).  The council's recommendations for marriage and family life, including guidance on cultivating a deep, face-to-face union between man and wife, creating a prayerful family culture that welcomes life and embraces human dignity, and balancing work, leisure, worship, and service.  These guidelines form sort of the backbone of the book, along with John Paul II's call for marriage to be lived out freely, faithfully, fruitfully, and totally, and with Karee and Manny's intention that their ministry inspires couples to model their life together on the Jesus' first miracle--they point out, in the book, that "the Church, as Mary did at Cana, asks Jesus to change the water of human love into the wine of divine love." 

Manny's early drawing for the book's design.  Click here to see the GORGEOUS final cover!

Amen to that, yes?  I asked Karee to share more info on the book from behind-the-scenes.

You and Manny co-wrote the book together and take turns throughout sharing personal stories from your marriage.  What was it like pairing up on the writing?
Writing together involved connecting on a whole new level. By putting our thoughts on paper, we learned things about each other that we never knew. Some of it felt very painful. We tell the story of Manny's multiple brain tumors, and reliving those experiences was like being thrust back into that traumatic time in our lives. But when Manny wrote his section on Natural Family Planning, I found out he really didn't mind the abstinence that much--he said he felt like he was waiting, pursuing, and winning me all over again. So romantic!

Christopher West had the honor of writing the book's foreword (Christopher flipping West, you guys)!  How was he chosen for the task, and have you and your husband communicated with him during the process?
We first heard of Chris West back in the 1990s, when we discovered St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body. He's been our hero ever since. After we started writing, we asked people who they thought would be the best person to write a foreword to a book on Catholic marriage. Christopher won first place by a landslide. His book Good News about Sex and Marriage has been a top seller for more than ten years, so he was our dream pick.

Every so often, we would get little hints from God that maybe it wasn't such an impossible dream after all. My brother actually married Christopher's cousin. I got to meet his whole family and wound up talking to him for about half an hour during my brother's wedding reception. But he keeps a strict boundary between his public and private life, so we didn't want to bank on the family connection.

Later on, we found out that Chris' editor at Random House was sending his kids to the same Catholic school as our kids. What are the chances!  His editor offered to forward the book manuscript to Christopher and put in a good word for us. But we weren't ready, so we kept writing and praying.
Finally, our editor at Ave Maria Press told me that she would ask Christopher herself. I drove her crazy making sure that the manuscript was in perfect shape before she sent it to him! When he told her yes, we felt so overwhelmingly grateful and blessed.

The Four Keys offers plenty of guidance, through discussion questions and suggestions for going through the material in a small group, for experiencing the book not just by reading it, but truly contemplating the meaning of sacramental marriage.  Do you have any other hopes or advice for couples to get the most out of it?
The pre-Cana experience happens so quickly for most people. A whirlwind of a weekend and boom; it's done. Our book lets people take their time exploring the Church's beautiful wisdom gathered over the past 2,000 years. Sometimes people don't know what they don't know until after the wedding. It's so easy to get caught up in the rosy glow of frantic preparation and ecstatic happiness. Many times couples will encounter obstacles during the first year of marriage, and they can really be caught by surprise. But it's totally normal to hit small bumps in the road. Our book gives strategies to get past those.  

Through the book, we're really trying to extend the hand of friendship to engaged and married couples who want and need support in their shared journey of faith. It's our hope that couples will read the book together in a group of people who can serve as confidantes, role models, and friends for a long time.

***

Join me in praying for Karee, Manny, their book and the couples it will reach?  The Four Keys to Everlasting Love is already available for Pre-Order on Amazon, so help me spread the word and share it with couples you know!  You can read more about the book here (and be sure to sign up for the Santos' new e-newsletter!), and follow Can We Cana? on Facebook here.

The Couple That Reads Together...

Youngins.  At the beach after my college graduation.  Clearly Andrew's book was more interesting.

You'd think two former English majors, one of whom is still studying English literature as a career, would have a better track record.  For pretty much our entire relationship, Andrew and I have tried on and off to read the same book together, at the same time; sort of our own little book club.  We'd talk about books we'd both always wanted to read, or a book that one of us had loved and wanted to share with the other, and make plans to chat about them on the phone, or, after we were married, at dinnertime or bedtime.

That was the idea.  Andrew valiantly devoured Emma, Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, even all of Anna Karenina while I…very, very slowly made my way through those choices while reading 2 or 3 other books at the same time, meaning we didn't have many chances to talk about our shared book like we'd intended!  I get that people have different reading personalities--he's a one-book-at-a-time kind of man, while I prefer to play the field, I guess--and fully admit to dropping the ball on this.  Andrew's workload this summer while teaching full time and studying for comps exams has left him precious little time for pleasure reading, and I wish I'd taken better advantage of the time when we were both free to read more books by choice.

But, I refuse to give up.  Even when we're turning different pages, talking about what we're reading remains one of our favorite topics of conversation, and if I can salvage my dignity at all, I wanted to share a few books we did both manage to read, ones we enjoyed and that led to fruitful talks:

Fill These Hearts by Christopher West: We were both left absolutely amazed by this take on the Theology of the Body in light of the restlessness and longing every human heart feels, why that deep ache sometimes leads us to settle for less, and why embracing our longing and desires for what they are can bring us fully alive.  I wrote more about it here.

The Sisters Brothers by Patrick DeWitt: Neither of us had ever really read a Western-type novel before (though Andrew loves this movie), but decided to read this simply for the reason that we'd heard it was good.  It is!  Though it's the story of two brothers riding around on horses and shooting things and all that entails, the Western setting seemed secondary to their development as characters.  One brother tries, but often fails, at righteousness, while the other…well, doesn't really try.  The tragedy of it lies in the ways their consciences diverge further and further apart.  In full disclosure, we read this at all hours of the day and night after Aaron was born, so their might be some haze over our opinion, but I suspect we'd still enjoy it if we reread it in a saner state.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy: I've been reading this since January and Andrew smoked me months ago…it's not taking so long because it's boring or because I don't like it; it's that, since this classic is so fat, I keep taking (maybe unnecessary) breaks to read other books as I work my way through!  Slow and steady, friends.  Seriously though, this truly is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read.  Tolstoy seems to deeply know the heart, and his language and the characters' topics of conversation sometimes feel almost like spiritual reading (curiously enough, to my surprise, Anna herself is a central part of the story but hardly the main character).  We got this translation because we'd heard of its readability and closeness to Tolstoy's original words, and I promise it feels nothing like a stiff high school reading assignment; it is so human and relatable.  It hasn't stuck around for 200 years for nothing, right?

The Secret History by Donna Tartt: …and here's one that Andrew's still reading!  This is the author of The Goldfinch's first novel from about 20 years ago, and in my opinion, it's much better.  We learn on the first page that a group of college students have committed a murder, and the rest of the book explains their motive and the aftermath.  Even in the hundred or so pages my husband has read so far, we've had plenty to talk about regarding the students' and their teacher's philosophies on beauty and justice and on the book's theme of how subtly and seemingly harmlessly evil can take root in a soul.  So, so compelling and tense.

Tell me, have you ever read a book together with your fiancé or husband?  I love new recommendations and would love to hear any ideas you have for keeping each other on track with a shared reading project!

Lectio: Holy Sex

{recommended reading}

photo source

One of the most convenient things about being engaged, I pretty quickly found out, was having a few other friends who were engaged whom I could bounce around ideas and share my discoveries with.  I'll be forever thankful to my friend Kristin for introducing me to Dr. Gregory Popcak, a Catholic sex and marriage therapist whose books specialize in building an intimate, lasting marriage.  His book Holy Sex, she told me, was a great resource for not just learning the theology of marriage and the basic moral guidelines surrounding Natural Family Planning, but a way to actually apply them in real life.

Kristin was right.  Reading this book was like having someone explain to me, in an honest, unafraid way, what all of the beautiful teachings on marriage that I loved so much and had read so much about really looked like in the day to day.  Popcak spends the first part of this book breaking down what Holy Sex is, in his view, and in light of the Theology of the Body, and how it opens up a couple to receive as many graces from their sacrament as possible.  He also makes the super interesting point that sex isn't a single, separate part of a husband and wife's relationship, but a microcosm of their relationship as a whole.  For instance, if they have difficulty communicating in the bedroom, he points out, it's likely that the problem isn't the couple's sexual relationship, but a deeper communication issue within their marriage.

The second part of this book gets real about living out NFP and expressing sexual love in the fullest, purest way, in a voice that's sensitive without sparing technical details.  I've heard criticisms of Popcak here and there, saying that he's too frank and not reverent enough, but I'd actually argue that this kind of honest talk, by someone faithful and well-formed, is just what the doctor ordered.  We're all aware of how saturated the culture is in sexuality, and in my opinion, the frankness of the culture should be met in an appropriate, corresponding way, not a way that tiptoes.  The Church has such beauty and richness in its teaching on sexuality, one that certainly isn't prudish and doesn't tiptoe, and I think wisdom like Popcak's is a needed response to what the world has to offer.  Additionally, it's not uncommon for engaged Catholic couples to be unfamiliar with some of these more delicate matters, and the way I figure, if there's a more noble and more holistic view, like this one, that offers insight into these things, then it's one less thing these couples need to turn to things like Cosmo for.

I have to admit, there were times where I rolled my eyes at this book, thinking that Popcak's corny jokes and acronyms are like listening to your out of touch uncle, but on the whole, I can't recommend it enough.  One of its biggest strengths, aside from its honesty and the reverence with which the Church's teaching is presented, I think, is the fact that it can bring peace to scrupulous hearts (I wrote more about scrupulosity in sexual matters here) through Q+A chapters and discussions of specific acts, allowing newlyweds to enter into marriage with complete joy and peace, not with fear.  St. Augustine said, "peace is a tranquility that comes from right order."  Amen.

Have any of you read this?  Tell me your take!

Lectio: Need To Reads

{recommended reading}

A few months ago, I asked you for book recommendations dealing with love, marriage, and femininity.      Though Andrew and I have been on a little too much of a Netflix Lost kick lately,  I'm looking forward to plenty of summer reading.  Here are the spiritual books topping my list; I'd love to know if you've read any of them and what you thought!

Love and Responsibility: Before there was the book I'm most obsessed with, there was this, then-Cardinal Karol Wojtyla's discussion of love, emotions, purity, and an entire vision of the human person.  I've gained so many amazing insights about dating and relationships from the man who'd become John Paul II from secondary sources, and I think it's about time I crack open the real deal.  I've heard a new translation is coming out soon, too!

Love Letters to My Husband: St. Gianna, a.k.a. Gianna Beretta Molla, possessed heroic virtue, giving her life for her unborn child, but what I love most about her is that she was also a wife and mother who I can't imagine leading a daily life too different from yours or mine (my friend Kristin wrote about how to build a spiritually-centered home, based on Gianna's words, here).  As a new mama and as a girl who fell in love through letters, herself, I can't wait to get my hands on this copy of the missives Gianna and her husband Pietro penned during their dating days and all through their marriage.  By the looks of things on Amazon, unfortunately, it looks like this book is out of print.  Any leads on how to find it?

Adam and Eve After the Pill: Not so much spiritual reading as a cultural study, I have a hunch Mary Eberstadt's close look at the bitter fruits of the sexual revolution will definitely feed my passion for the chastity message, my fascination with longing and hunger, and my desire to really learn about the attitudes and movements that've shaped the culture's view of things like birth control, commitment, pornography, and relationships, in a way that pulls back the curtain, gets rid of talking points and takes a genuine look at the issues at hand.  Sign me up.

How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul: Two years ago I started reading this book by Crystalina Evert when my friend Catherine stayed with me for the week, but she had to take it with her when she left!  I'd love to finish this frank, honest, and loving collection of wisdom for pursuing love that's authentic and pure, healing from the past, and not settling when it comes to the One.  Though I'm past the phase in my own life of looking for a husband (with someone as wonderful as mine, how could I not stop looking right on the spot?), I still feel like I gained so much insight into women's hearts in the few pages that I already got to read.

Chime in!  What have been your thoughts on these picks, if you've read them?   And what else should I put on my to-read-soon list?