Four Ways Your Wedding Website Can Help You Evangelize, with Love.

I was twelve at the time, but I can still remember my first encounter with a wedding website for my youngest uncle and now-aunt's wedding.  My aunt wore those black Steve Madden platform slides that mysteriously have made a comeback this season (Maybe that's why I can't get on board with the slide/overalls/mom jean trends?  They hit too close to childhood!), and within a few months all of my aunts, me, my sister, and a few of my girl cousins all had a pair, too.  In other words, she was the coolest, and during those days of a younger internet, so was having a wedding website.

Obviously, it's way more common to make a website these days, but I still love reading about a couple's big day and love story when I get invited to a wedding…or, you know, even if I'm not invited but someone I know is engaged and I still want to read about their big day and love story.  Please don't think I'm too crazy.

Aside from the normal deets like the who and the where and the RSVPs, directing guests to your wedding site also gives you a unique opportunity to share your faith with your family and friends.  Stating why you believe what you do, in your own words and in a way that's truthful, casual, and aimed at the heart, can go a long way in making your Catholic wedding an invitation to deeper understanding and a witness to the beauty of marriage in the Church.  I suggest...

Telling the story of a saint who's had a hand in your relationship.  True stories of virtue and holiness speak for themselves, and they also offer you an opportunity to break down why and how Catholics call upon the saints' intercession.

Short explanations of parts of the Mass, like communion and the Rite of Marriage, for guests who might be unfamiliar.  On the page with your Mass details, briefly and charitably talking about modest dress in the chapel, who can receive communion and why, and why the Rite of Marriage matters for the sacrament can all go a long way in making your guests (particularly non-Catholics or those who've been away from the faith) feel at ease and not experience any surprises that could be misperceived as exclusive or judgmental, like a non-Catholic not being permitted to receive the Eucharist.  If you're looking for a starting point, this post speaks to some common questions unique to Catholic marriage, like vows, music, and cohabitation.

Host an open-invitation holy hour after your wedding rehearsal.  One of the most beautiful moments of my life was praying with my best friends Teresa and Beth after Beth's rehearsal, before heading to dinner, in the chapel on our college campus where we'd all, at some point, smiled and cried thinking about our future husbands, babies, and marriages.  The tears poured down as we knelt shoulder to shoulder and as I marveled at how the Father had answered each of our hopes and prayers so specifically and so abundantly in the men he gave to us.  At another wedding I went to, the bride and groom had their priest and a few friends lead anyone who wanted to come in an hour of Adoration, confession, and Praise and Worship the night before the wedding, and heaven really did touch earth during that hour.  Following suit, by planning a holy hour and sharing it with your guests via your website, is amazing for both you as the couple getting married and for everyone who will share in your wedding with you.

Invite your guests to leave their intentions on your wedding site, and pray for them.  I love writing a message in a couple's online guest book and requesting songs in the, well, request box on their site, but two of my friends also included an Intention Box on their wedding website.  Guests' prayer requests weren't public, so only the bride and groom saw them, and I found their promise to pray for everyone attending in such personal ways so incredibly generous and beautiful.

I hope these ways of evangelizing to your guests really do call your family and friends into communion with you and express what you stand for in a loving way, especially if there are sensitivities among them where faith is concerned.  Above all, though, I truly think the best, most important witness of all is one that doesn't even need to be typed and posted--quite simply, the joy of entering into marriage with a pure heart, radiant, evident joy, and desire for complete self-gift is impossible to ignore.  Don't worry about it being your personal responsibility to change anyone's mind about the Church; just be yourselves, the selves who so clearly wear their love for all to see, knowing that love flows from Love himself, and what you value and what sets your marriage apart will be crystal clear.  I promise!

Did I miss anything on this list?  Tell me how you've shared the Gospel with your guests through your wedding site or otherwise!

To First Look, or Not To First Look: What to Consider and How to Decide

Are you planning a first look with your hubs-to-be on your wedding day?  Five years ago, I thought the idea of seeing each other before our wedding Mass was crazy, partially because I figured that was just how the tradition went and didn't really know otherwise (this was about six months before Pinterest!), and partly because of that line from the movie 27 Dresses about how amazing it is to watch the look on the groom's face, not the bride's, during her walk up the aisle--the first time I saw that movie, I'm pretty sure I hadn't yet had any boyfriend experience beyond a few dates here and there, so I was all over that idea.

And you know what?  Seeing Andrew waiting for me at the altar, tears in his eyes and the most radiant smile on his face, is one of the most cherished memories of my life.  I love that we saw each other for the first time that day right as our wedding Mass started and we were about to become one.  I will say, though, that my general take on first looks has changed since then.  I was coming from the mindset that if I chose to buck a particular wedding tradition, particularly one so tied in with other aspects of waiting for marriage, then my wedding wouldn't be traditional enough or fit in with the holy witness we hoped to express.

Obviously, the Scripture and tradition of the Church are still non-negotiables for me, but I've come to a more subtle understanding of cultural and social traditions surrounding weddings--that's to say that while traditional customs like the bride and groom waiting for the ceremony to lay eyes on each other are very sweet and worthy of consideration, I no longer think tradition alone should be reason enough to choose them.  It's good to approach the idea critically, I think, with an understanding that if you don't want to see one another beforehand, it's good not to pursue tradition just for its own sake, and that if you do, it doesn't make you untraditional or somehow violate chastity.  If you're trying to decide whether or not to do a first look, here are a few points to consider in your decision-making.

There is great joy in the anticipation of seeing each other at the altar. Like I said, I treasure the memory of locking eyes with my about-to-be husband when the church doors opened and I walked toward him.  The Church, the Body of Christ, is about communion, and that's a major aspect of the sacraments, whether they are celebrated in communion or whether they draw us (or draw us back) into communion, or both.  It's a privilege for the community to witness the moment the couple first glimpses each other in the fullness of their identities as bride and groom.  I asked a few brides about their experiences, and Jenn said, "because it was the firsts time that day, all the weight of the moment and what we were about to do was felt, and it was kind of like seeing each other for the first time all over again."  So beautiful.  On the other hand…

...A first looks lets you steal a peaceful moment. If there's one thing I wish had been a little different about my wedding day, it's that I literally didn't have one second alone to talk to Andrew or just take in the experience together, until our first dance, at which point we just laughed at the fact we were married, and that we didn't know what to talk about when all eyes were on us dancing!  Everyone tells you your wedding day passes in a blur, and though in some ways mine did, I'm also happy to have crystal-clear memories from quite a few moments during the day.  But driving off from the reception together, at 11 P.M, felt like the first time all day we could sort of absorb everything that happened.  As happy as we were to see each other at the altar, I think that, in hindsight, we would've also really enjoyed having a quieter opportunity to be together and talk before the Mass.  I think if I'd seen Andrew for the second time as the Mass began, I would've been even giddier than I actually was, excited to return to him and knowing not just on a visual level, but an emotional one, what was in store for us.

Your wedding portraits will probably look different if you opt to see each other before the ceremony than if you don't.  Not better or worse!  Just different, because each choice has a different effect on your timeline.  Since most weddings are in the afternoon, and since taking bride and groom and wedding party pictures take a while, most photographers will snap these images before the Mass if the couple decides to do a first look, and after if they don't.  That means a good deal of your portraits will be from the daytime if you choose a first look, and that you might join your guests at the reception sooner than if you stay taking photos after the ceremony for a while.  If you choose to not see each other before the Mass, there will be that bit of extra time for photos in between the ceremony and reception, and your photographer will probably have you duck out of the reception for one or two bride and groom portrait sessions while everyone is dancing and hanging out, wherein you'll end up with more evening or sunset photos.  Regardless of which option you choose, remember that your guests are there to see and celebrate you, and it's polite to keep each sesh relatively short.

 The Rite of Marriage actually prescribes that the couple walk up to the altar together at the start of the Nuptial Mass.  I know!  The USCCB also points out this opportunity (this links to a video; skip to about 9 minutes for more on this).  I actually had never heard of the tradition of bride and groom entering the Mass together until I went to the wedding of two friends who are both Theology scholars and explained in the program that "Processions, as with everything else in the liturgy, are theologically and symbolically rich.  The most important persons of the day come in last: the ministers of the sacrament for which everyone is gathered.  The bride and groom, who confer the sacrament of marriage upon one another, enter the church last and together, signifying the import of their role in today's celebration and their equality as celebrants of the sacrament."

I told you they were scholars.  Basically, the bride and groom aren't the most important peeps of the day just because, you know, it's their wedding, but because they, not the priest, are the ones ministering the sacrament of marriage--it's an entirely different sort of being the center of attention, one where the real attention is on God and his grace.  Anyway, choosing to adhere to this part of the rite and enter the church together sort of necessitates seeing each other beforehand, so incorporating a first look into it is a nice way to celebrate the moments before you walk through the doors.  Kate said she and her husband "wanted to walk down the aisle together because we were both coming together before God and liked the symbolism," and incorporated a first look into the time before the Mass.

Each of these points invites you to consider different aspects of planning out your day, but if you're having trouble deciding, I suggest considering both of your top priorities for your wedding (other than conferring a clutch sacrament, that is).  Is it photography?  Is it making sure you get to spend time with your out-of-state friends?  Is it tradition with respect to the why and how, not just tradition for the sake of tradition?  Above all, I recommend not viewing a first look as a moral question, but one of practicality and your personal preferences--no matter what you choose, I can promise you won't forget that initial glimpse of each other in your wedding outfits and that first time your eyes meet on your wedding day.  Breathe those moments in, bathe in them, remember them.

Are you planning on a first look for your wedding?  Are you not?  I'd love to hear the reasons behind your choices, and if you're already married, stories of your experiences!

Tough Wedding Questions Answered, and a Giveaway: Win a Copy of INVITED Before It's Released!

If you're reading this, you might be engaged and fielding questions from friends and family members wondering why Catholic marriage involves so many rules, and you're looking for a way to charitably clarify it all.

Or maybe you're one of the ones wondering.  Maybe you have questions yourself, and want to know more than just "the Church says so." So let's change the conversation today.  I think it's time to talk about the truths of the Catholic faith in a way that's not just about rules, but about freedom.

My homes Pope St. John Paul II said, "freedom is for love."  In light of your spouse-to-be, that means that putting him or her first, over and over, will in time become a habit and a choice you actually prefer to putting yourself first.  In light of the Father, it means teachings that seem like rules are actually directives intended solely to make us most whole, most fulfilled, and most alive, giving us the ability to choose what's best for the other and for our relationship with God.  What does that look like in the concrete aspects of wedding planning?  Here, three frequently asked Q's about marriage in the Church, and three answers.  Whether you're asking or answering, I hope these words are imbued not just with truth, but with love.

Why wait to live together or sleep together when you're already engaged?  I get that this is hard.  So hard.  When two people have promised to marry each other, it's tough to see why they shouldn't just go ahead and act like they're married.  But maybe we're asking the wrong question.  Consider, instead, what the point is of serious dating and engagement. At that point, both people in the relationship are committed to each other, whether through their communication or through an actual engagement ring, and if, during that time, you're preparing for the long term, it's important to know what virtues and good qualities your partner possesses, and how his or her virtues will help you become more virtuous.  Someone who opts to live together before marriage is essentially saying they are okay with living and sleeping with someone they aren't married to--a wedding ring won't automatically change that outlook.

Granted, the likelihood of unfaithfulness in that sense is a little extreme, and I know there are couples who live together and genuinely have each others' best good at heart.  Ultimately, though, the fact that your partner wants the fun and romance of married life but not the true commitment of having spoken marriage vows conveys a lack of self-discipline and patience--would most people want to be married to someone who could control their desires and say no, or someone who couldn't?  Choosing to wait until after the wedding to live together is a way to grow in that discipline and self-control.  So, the point of a committed relationship isn't to see how much one can get from the other, but how much one can give, by loving selflessly.

Why can't you use secular music for the ceremony?  My old roommate once came home from a night of going out of curiosity to a country line dance, and she was so alight with the novelty of it all that I asked her to teach me some of the dances.  For the next half hour, we seriously galloped around our apartment while the Dixie Chicks accompanied us via iPod.  Loudly.  Moments like that, of complete abandon and exuberance, lift you to the heights.  "Abandon" and "exuberance" can also describe the experience of getting married--of freely, entirely surrendering your will because you know the joy that's in store.  But, it would be weird to have a country line dance song, let alone the galloping, playing at your wedding Mass, even if the end emotion were the same.  Obviously, most couples would prefer to have something more romantic than that playing when, say, the bride walks up the aisle.  But it's the same underlying principle: music needs to fit the context of the setting it's played in.  So, if your wedding ceremony is set in the Church, the music needs to fit the purpose of worship.

Why can't you write your own vows?  CCD throwback, anyone?  Every sacrament of the church has a specific rite that must be followed in order for the sacrament to be valid--if a priest doesn't follow the prescribed language of consecration, for instance, the Eucharist for that Mass is invalid.  Getting married is the same--in order for the sacrament to take place; that is, for the couple's bond to literally be transformed and suffused with grace, the bride and groom need to speak the language of the Rite of Marriage.  It's more than just input these words, get out this result--it's allowing yourselves and your love to take on something entirely, sacramentally new and humbly inviting God into your life together, knowing it takes three, not two, to live out your promises.

And now, in a totally not transparent transition, I'll say that my book, INVITED, addresses more on each of these questions, along with other hard teachings like chastity, birth control, and divorce, in an in-depth way that I truly hope communicates the wellspring of joy and true freedom to be found in a sacramental marriage, and in a way that feels like having coffee with a friend.  But it's not all theological talk.  There's worksheets to help you get organized, set a budget, and make sure all of your spiritual and practical wedding preparations get taken care of.  There's what I hope are endearingly embarrassing, rather than just outright embarrassing, stories of some of Andrew's and my arguments and missteps during our engagement and first months as newlyweds, and what we learned from them.  There's honest talk about choosing a dress, shutting up your inner temptation to compare yourself, sex and what it's meant for, and (spoiler) even a Rick Roll.  Come on.  I had to save the best thing for last.

Want a copy?  The book's official release is April 1, but I'm unbelievably excited to share 3 copies ahead of time (and it's okay if you're not engaged)!  Enter below, and head to Instagram for extra entries.  Giveaway ends this Sunday, the 20th, at 11:59 P.M.

And can I be completely honest with you?  As happy as I am to see my book about to be released and as exhilarating as it is to think of the ways it might resonate, I'm also SO nervous for these words I've been putting together for the past three years finally making their way into print for anyone to read. Marketing and self-promotion are no joke, and my constant prayer over the past few weeks is just that I might decrease and let the book, and what I hope is its evident passion for helping couples understand authentic, life-giving love, speak for itself and take center stage instead of me.  So please join me in asking the Holy Spirit to guide this project into the hearts of whatever brides--stressed out, returning to the Church, looking to elevate their romance to the divine--and marriage prep programs most need it.  And please pray that the Spirit might lead my own heart to the right balance of promotion and humility, which I don't take to mean silence, but a full awareness that it's not about me.  Much love, friends.

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Advice for Planning Your Nuptial Mass: Interview With a Catholic Wedding Coordinator

Kate C. and I went to college together.  She started dating her now-husband at the start of her freshman year! Kate got involved with being a sacristan for the daily and Sunday Masses on campus, and our chaplain later suggested she apply for an open wedding coordinator position as an extension of her sacristan duties.  A few years after I graduated, we ran into each other at my friends' wedding, which she coordinated during her senior year.  In my experience, figuring out a wedding day timeline, from getting ready to traveling to photos to the Mass to the reception, was one of the biggest challenges, due to the sheer number of vendors, locations, and logistics involved.  So, figuring she's seen the gamut of wedding Masses and gained some serious insight into planning the liturgy and how it fits into the rest of the day, I asked Kate to share her experience, along with a few secrets!

Kate, her husband Joe, and their impeccable cake manners

Well first, let's talk about what a church wedding coordinator does.  Can you tell me about your responsibilities?  How is being the sacristan for a nuptial Mass different from being the sacristan for a regular Mass?

The responsibilities of a sacristan are to set up, clean up and care for the church before and after a Mass.  A church wedding coordinator can also be the sacristan for weddings, but is primarily there to make sure the wedding goes smoothly and to act as a liaison between the church and the couple.  As a sacristan at a nuptial Mass, it means my focus is split between the preferences of the priest and of the bride and groom for things like how the chapel is set up.

Working on your college campus must have meant you knew a lot of the people at the weddings you coordinated.  How often were you scheduled for the weddings of your friends and acquaintances, and what was it like to be there for their Masses?
I enjoyed seeing my friends fall in love and get married at the Mount. It was an honor to see them get married, and a blessing to watch so many couples follow Christ's teachings so passionately, despite their weaknesses.  I guess was truly able to see the human element of marriage more clearly by watching my friends, relatives, and acquaintances get married.  As a coordinator, I went to a wedding once or twice a month. During my senior year, I went to about 20!

You're a twin!  You were engaged at the same time, and you've mentioned to me, in the past, the craziness of helping plan your sister's wedding.  What was it like, and did you bring in any of your official wedding coordinating experience?
Yes, I have a twin sister.  The dynamics of two weddings within a year of each other is another blog post!  For now, I'll say weddings, babies, and funerals change family dynamics, and because of that, it's important for brides to take care of their mental and spiritual health.

Your job, as a sacristan and coordinator, is to help the bride and groom's wedding Mass go as smoothly as possible.  What's the most helpful thing a couple can do to simplify things for themselves and make your work easier?
The most helpful thing a bride can do is plan ahead.  I know that there are a lot of tiny details and they can be overwhelming.  Two essentials are, first, knowing who will pick up flowers for the church, and second, choosing your readings ahead of time.  It saves both the sacristan and the bride headaches. The couple should also keep extra copies of their selected readings and music.  I can't tell you how many liturgical ministers lose music and readings!

I'd love to hear stories from some of the weddings you've worked on!  Are there any particularly profound moments that stand out to you?  Any funny or otherwise memorable ones?

One couple, an acquaintance of mine, shocked me when they chose John's account of the Passion for their Gospel reading (NB from Stephanie: This is the wedding where Kate and I ran into each other!) .  It was interesting to hear of the sacrifical nature of marriage so openly discussed at a wedding. 

At another wedding, I spent 30 minutes talking to the visiting Franciscan Priest about whether he should wear shoes during the wedding. He insists that the sanctuary should not be marred by unclean shoes. He said if Moses didn't wear shoes in the pressence of God, he shouldn't wear shoes near the tabernacle where Christ is pressent fully.

I also once consoled a flower girl who cried when she realized she wasn't going to marry her brother, who was the groom. She was about 5 years old at the time. I think it was a testament to her brother's character and faith. I was privileged to see this unique family welcome their son's bride into the family.

How did your coordinating experience come into play when planning your own wedding?
When I was planning my own wedding, my experience helped my husband Joe and I plan our wedding liturgy with ease. We knew we wanted a Latin liturgy, so we were able to communicate our desires with the three concelebrating priests.  Even though Joe didn't get the full Latin mass he hoped for, my experience as a sacristan helped me work on a compromise between us and the priests, to have Latin responses to the Mass parts.

Any other advice or planning secrets you can share with Catholic brides-to-be?
Obviously, prudence about what to compromise and when is necessary.  Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you'll get every wedding detail that you want.  As long as your fiancé is the man of your dreams, the details will fall into place.  The happiest brides (and the ones most ready for marriage) are completely focused on God and their fiancés.  These brides are invested in wedding planning, but they know even if they don't get this or that, their marriage is what's paramount.  So, don't stress out, roll with the planning punches, and focus on spending your life with your fiancé.  Honestly, no flowers, pictures, or decorations can compare to building a life with him. 

Here area couple things that are good to know for planning your day: First, any flowers you purchase to decorate the church may act as a donation, including vases.  Different churches have different police, so ask the sacristan how the flowers are handled after the wedding Mass.  Second, though you technically don't have to pay to get married in the Church, parishes may ask for a small donation to help pay the priest, sacristan, and other staff.  Third, delegate tasks to others the day of your wedding.  You will not have time to do it yourself!  Things like handling the flower delivery should be handled by a friend.  Lastly, note that you won't have the church for the whole day.  You may have only 2 or 3 hours to get in, get married, and get out before another function needs to start.  So, try your best to be on time!

Just for fun, I would love to hear your best piece of advice for Catholic marriage, in general!

Remember that love is not a feeling, but an action. You will not always like your husband but your vows compel you to always choose him, over and over, for a lifetime. That is the secret to love and marriage: one must choose love repeatedly. 

Thanks so much, Kate!  Here, if you're planning your nuptial Mass, a few other offerings to help you out:

Insight into choosing more unusual readings, and the story of that wedding where they read the Passion Gospel

Customizable, downloadable wedding program templates

How to explain to skeptical friends and family the why and the how of having a nuptial Mass (i.e. no beaches or Coldplay songs) with truth and charity